September 2020

I wonder if he is feeling a little Weltschmerz?

There were no holidays had in the Bunch household over the summer. It was all work, work, work and now I think we are all suffering with a little of what my last interviewee called ‘Weltschmerz’. A German word meaning world weary.

I interviewed David a couple of months ago when he told me he was suffering with a bad case of weltschmerz and I’m starting to understand what he means. It’s nothing I can put my finger on but my oomph is forsaking me. I don’t know if it’s a menopausal hangover, Covid mania or lack of the freedom to roam but something is slightly amiss and I fear it’s not just in our household! If you have any thoughts on this - please do let me know!

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I’m half way now through my project with 100 men so I thought I’d share some of my insights:

One thing that has stood out through all my conversations is the word polarity. So many people, both men and women define life by using the word polarity. The polar opposites, the ying to my yang. Black and white, north and south etc. The magnetic poles drawing to and from each other. Lately the world’s energy, unsurprisngly seems low and I’m beginning to wonder if the world is trying to balance those polarites a little? Lessen the extremes? Readdress the balance? Maybe a part of that is balancing out the masculine and feminine energies? In that sense it’s quite timely that I am listening to all these fellas.

A few years ago the term gender neutral didn’t exist but now gender identity conversations are commonplace. My intention when starting Collecting Conversations was to listen to all sorts of people’s stories. Although I started with 100 women it was always my aim to speak with 100 men too. My way of seeing both sides and I was curious to see if there were any distinct differences. We define people by their sex. That might change in the future, but for now we are still mostly a man/woman society.

There’s a huge amount of negativity surrounding men. In my small but intense listening project, I feel men may have been unjustly judged. (I am not including crimes here). I think men get a bad rap. From what I’ve heard, men tend to be straigtforward, black and white, linear in their thinking. I’ll give you an example: My question - “What do you like about yourself?” Nearly all of the 100 women I asked, replied with what they didn’t like about themselves. That wasn’t my question. Don’t get me wrong, I know why women go to the negative. We are programmed to be self deprecating. Singing our own praises isn’t natural. Actually it’s not natural for anyone. In fact the question poses us to be awkward and cringe, but when I asked the men the same question it was a completly different experience. They immediately told me what they liked about themselves. I got a straight answer. It wasn’t big headed or self assured. They simply answered the question. Some of them felt a bit embarrased but they still answered the question. To us women we might take that seemingly self assured response as arrogant, cocky and egotistical, which lets face it, men are accused of being a lot of the time. But it wasn’t like that. It was rather lovely. It was refreshing.

Generally speaking men are not as self deprecating as women, that’s not to say they aren’t consumed by self doubt, fear and insecurity, they are. In fact they have exactly the same doubts as we do. Historically their veneer is more robust. They wear a coat of armour that is recognised world wide as strong, fearless and capable - but it is just armour! Underneath all that are complex, sensitive creatures who have never been allowed to show their vulnerabilty and sensitivity.

In just 53 men I’ve spoken to so far, alarmingly 10% have been sexually abused, 15% have been bullied and verbally abused by a significant person in their lives and 20% have anxiety and or depression. That’s some high statistics for a relatively small group.

Men have had to put up with quite alot of neglect, donning their armour to show the world - they can cope! This isn’t a sob story about men, this is just me listening to men answer my questions. You might expect a lot of ego and pride, too be honest - not much! There’s way more sensitivity, honesty and caring than the media or society might portray. In fact I’d say society hasn't been kind to men, or women for a very long time.

I’m writing a play about my project and the feedback so far - ‘It’s a bit dark. Is there any light or hope at the end?’. I want to be honest in my play as I want to highlight topics that inherently aren’t talked aout. I don’t want to sugar coat it. Of course there’s resilence by the bucket load, coping strategies and lots and lots of positives; creativities, football, music etc, but underlying many of our conversations is a lot of sadness. There’s been more tears with the men than the women. I’m thinking the time has come for men to take off their armour and start air everything out.

Now as that was all a bit depressing - I am leaving you with this little gem to brighten the mood: I’ve also found that men seem to have little interest in the nitty gritty of life. The comedian Micky Flanagan did a fantastic routine about men going to the pub. On returning the wife asks about the evening, enquiring about the wives and children of her husbands friends. Micky’s response is brilliant. It doesn't enter their heads to ask, they dont go out thinking ‘I must ask about Julie and the kids’. They’ve just gone to the pub. They don’t go searching. In fact, they are the antithesis of what my project is all about. They don’t go digging (there are exceptions, obviously). Men, I am beginning to understand don’t have a need for the social niceties like women do. Again it’s probably to do wth the way we’ve been socialised. Women are notorious for trying to change men, to understand them. I think women have a more natural, superficial curious. Men less so - is that so bad?

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I’ll come back to you with more observations over the coming months. In the meantime: Look out for my upcoming interviews with Luke 26, a tree surgeon from Sussex. George 20, living his life with Cerebral Palsy and a passion for football and Alan, who is 92 from Kent. Interesting stories to come.

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And finally, I’ve added a donate button. Don’t feel obliged but if you like reading my interviews and fancy buying me a ‘cup of coffee’ it would be much appreciated. I’m realising the plight of the ‘artist’ - all work and no pay makes Sam sad that she can’t contribute to her family finances. In fact my kids earn more than me! Thank you

Are you world weary?