Everyone knows what you’re doing in there - it’s the walk of shame

Scott 59 from Norwich. Retired sales Executive. Lives in Canada

How are you? 

I’m great. You know the idea that people get happier the older they get but as a young person you think ‘bollocks’, because in your youthful innocence you assume you can’t be happy looking like ‘that’! Well, it’s true. I am very happy. 

I gave up my job two years ago. The first three months felt like I was on low does of MDNA. I was ecstatic. I’d never had that feeling before without a chemical enhancement. It was literally like I was floating on air. Actually, it made me panic a bit. I was so happy and you know what it’s like; after an ‘up’, there is always a down but I didn’t have a down. 

I’d been ready to give up my job for a while. It was all consuming. I spent most of my time in my head. I was so absorbed by it. That horrible phrase that everyone talks about ‘being present’ -  I never really was. If I was sat next to you at a dinner party there would been part of me that wasn't really there. Whenever I met anybody new I’d do a quick interview; checking them out. Am I going to give this person time and my attention? I already have my family and my work which takes so much of my time. I had no time for other people. I became very good at being glib. 

When the job went, all of a sudden I had space. I had the energy and the time. I started meeting people for who they were and not what I could get out them. I had to learn to become a functioning human being again. I give much more energy to person in front of me now and I’m really enjoying that - I’m becoming a nice person again.

How did you cope with not being the big boss with all the trappings? 

Money was a drive for sure but I’m not sure the last two years at work was worth it. I was so stressed. When I left I didn’t worry about it. Partly moving to Canada has made it easier. 

My work was mostly in London where people are much more career orientated and quite deferential. They afford you the respect that you don’t necessarily deserve. Here, in Canada people are more natural, they don’t  judge you for what you do.

What do you think about marriage?

Fucking hard. I’ve been married for 22 years. It’s a good thing. It’s brought out the best and the worst in me. If you don’t have a base of commitment you’d be all over the place wouldn’t you? 

What do you think about children?

I always wanted children. They are a huge strain but I wouldn't have it any other way. There’s a six year gap between our two kids. Secondary infertility is a quite big thing. Our second child is the most expensive baby ever. We went to four fertility clinics. It was a huge process; interviews, taking drugs, wanking in a sleazy room! It was a pretty hideous time.

The room where you ‘sort yourself out’ in one of the clinics, was called ‘The Oval office’. I asked the receptionist, why the name? ‘There’s a wanker in it’. What can you say to that? It’s horrible. The ‘wanking’ room is different in every clinic. Everyone knows what you’re doing in there. It’s the walk of shame. Think about it; there’s a big lazy boy chair covered in cellophane. Porn mags and videos. It’s very sleazy. It’s humiliating. But hey, my wife had to inject hormones into her bum everyday. 

Sex became a job. It puts a strain on your relationship. We went to America in the end. The doctor there told us he was confident he could get us pregnant and he did. The conceiving process had a big hangover. There was a huge weariness. You get tired of each other. But over time your relationship freshens and changes again. 

Where does all your energy go? 

There are things I haven’t done. I’ve always wanted to start a business. That’s why I’m here in London to promote my business. I am questioning why I am doing this. (laughing) Did I do it for vanity? I am wondering about my motives. I’ve always worked for a big business. I wanted to start my own business; to have an idea then run with it. If I’m honest, there’s a part of me that doesn't want to be forgotten. ‘Don’t forget about me, I was clever. I am here. Look at what I’ve done…’.