Richard 57. From Manchester. Married. Three grown up children.

How you are?

I've been an active hands-on dad since I was 23. I've always had at least one child at home. Then it was just me and my wife for the first time since 1986. I felt bereft. I was very, very sad. In many ways it feels very melancholy, just us in the house. Although there's something really lovely about it; playing cards, chatting and watching TV. Making meals for just the two of us.

How do you see yourself?

Fundamentally I’m a sad person. I'm happy in moments but I struggle with melancholy and sadness a lot. I feel irritated with myself and unhappy with where I am in relation to what I've achieved. That's really tricky. I don’t like myself at all. I am really angry with myself and it’s really hard not liking yourself. It's been bad for a long time.

I was 19 when I started suffering from anxiety but I handle it well until I was about 27- 28, then it got really bad. To the point where it was so debilitating it absolutely paralyse me. I couldn't leave the house at all. I developed mono-phobia. I became frightened to be by myself. That lasted for a good five or six years. When my wife went to work I would either have to find a friend to hang out with or go to somebody's house. I couldn't be alone. and I wasn't alone for almost a decade. I took medication. It was continuously humiliating searching for people to protect me or give me company. People need to get on with their own lives. Eventually I started alienating my friends. People can only do so much for you, they have their own lives.

When I first started developing panic attacks I would fucking tell everybody because I thought it felt so profound and so important. People would say - that's awful, but then eight months down the line when you told them about your panic attacks, they’d just say - Oh well, that's a shame. They don't want your problems because what I was asking for was endless. Support me here, support there. I really, really hated myself during that time. When you’re in pain or even depressed you can go to a reservoir of inner strength to deal with it but when it's anxiety it is your inner strength itself that has been attacked - it's gone and that's why you're panicking.

It got to a point where I didn't feel anything. I didn't feel love. I didn't feel happiness. I only felt scared. I only felt sad and that went on for a long, long time. I couldn't even be with my kids and feel anything for them. It was horrible.

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