I am someone who is calling out for his mother
Dan 26. From London. Nanny, Actor and Writer.
How are you?
Last night I picked up my roommate from the Eurostar and coincidentally bumped into my ex-girlfriend who I haven't seen for ages. It was so weird. I gave her a hug and we chatted for a while. After I was like - ‘Oh fuck, I thought I was further along’. I spent a lot of time thinking about her and I was hit by that drug all over again! I had a night full of weird dreams. It’s clouded my morning today.
Coming out of lockdown I’m a bit nervous about normality resuming. I’ve got used to this new ‘normal’. There’s a bit of anxiety about being around people again. I’ve been so used to being in my bubble. I'm gonna have to get used to small talk again.
I've been over thinking my future too. I feel like I’m having to prove myself to myself. Who am I - what do I do? It's absurd, I think it's come from COVID but I feel like I'm somehow running out of time. I'm scrambling to get everything done, rushing because there's a clock ticking.
My idea of success within the acting industry has been distorted by the fact that both my ex partners, with which I spent three and a half years with, have both gone on to have global notoriety and huge success. Both been able to buy their first homes at such a young age. I'm thinking - Oh, that's what success looks like and anything that isn’t that, isn’t success! I have to keep reminding myself that the grass isn't always greener and success comes in many different forms. There’s not one flat pack version of it. I can't forget them these women either because their faces are plastered on posters and our TV screens. I can’t block them. I am forever reminded about what I don't have!
How do you see yourself?
Pretty confident. Extrovert at the best of times but often will want to be by myself and shut everything in the world away. I'm someone who wants to be creative. I find my self worth when I'm being creative, especially when I'm on a stage. No matter how much I feel pressured by the idea of going to work behind a desk or doing something with more structure, I just don't think I ever would. I’m drawn to performance and being creative.
I think I’m someone who on the inside is calling out for his mother. I seem to find my mother in everyone. I think people can find mothers in all sorts of places; in idols, in friends, in fathers. I've been finding a mother in my partners too. I want someone to tell me I'm doing okay, I’m on the right path. I'm constantly wondering if my life path is the right one.
I've always been a pleaser. I've always been a ‘Yes’ man. I’m so positive I'll say yes to everything, even if I know I can't make it. It's ended up being a problem in the past. My weird logic is if I say yes to everyone then they won’t go away like my mum did. It’s like I didn't please her enough so she had to leave, which is it's awful because it's just not true.