You dig the ground using a shovel and your hands

Ibrahim 37. Between jobs. Searching

How are you?

I am between jobs at the moment. I’ve been out of work for a year now. It’s getting a bit boring. I teach martial arts twice a week. If I didn’t do that I would literally be doing nothing else.

I used to be a Solicitor but I changed careers. I got into Digital Marketing but it all got a bit stressful. I’ve had a few interviews recently but I don’t interview well. I need to get out and meet people. I had a breakdown last year and haven’t been able to shake it off. I can’t see a path ahead at the moment. Law wasn’t my calling. My dad was a Solicitor. I’m one of three brothers. It was expected that one of us go into the family business but it wasn’t for me.

How do you see yourself?

I might as well be honest, I see myself as a bit of a failure. I don’t think I’ve succeeded at many goals I’ve set myself. I wasn't a particularly good Solicitor. I don’t see myself as a good brother or son. I tried my hand at writing. Starting things and not finishing them is a common thread. I was in therapy for most of last year then ran out of money. He tried to reinforced my achievements but I don’t see it that way. Once things are internalised it’s difficult to break the pattern.

How do you think other people see you?

That’s a difficult question. I’m not sure. My friends probably have a different view than my family. Maybe a bit weird and strange. Socially awkward. In therapy it’s come up that I’m a little paranoid about what people think about me.

I come from a South East Asian culture, there’s a lot that’s good about it but equally there’s a lot of pressure too. Like providing for your family. People start worrying about you when you’re not fulfilling the cultural expectations.

What do you think about marriage?

I read that women want a man that’s got his shit together! Umm, that’s not really me! I want someone to spend my life with. It’s something I really want but I’m equally terrified about screwing it up. I did a bit of divorce law when I was a Solicitor - it gives you insight. It’s a major taboo to get divorced in a South East Asian community.

I’m on dating apps. It’s weird. I’ve been speed dating recently. I couldn’t handle it. A guy at the mosque said ‘If you feel shy and bashful I can go and approach these women on your behalf’.

Would you have an arranged marriage?

I’m not bothered. My mum has tried but most weren’t too impressed with me. I am open to it. My mates try and set it up. A non muslim would be tricky. I am going t need a woman that kicks me up the arse. I am open to possibilities.

What’s your most memorable experience to date?

The night my dad died. I was 21. Me and my older brother were sparring in the living room. My mum called us into the kitchen. My dad was slumped. I don’t think anyone realised what had happened. We tried to take him up to bed but couldn't move him so called the ambulance . He’d had a massive stroke and there was no coming back from it. We had to switch off the life support. He wasn’t the most healthy person but it was very unexpected. He was here one minute and gone the next.

What do you think about death?

Death is a natural process. My dad was buried the day after he died. There’s a man leading the ceremony. It’s a ritualistic process. The body is washed, starting with the head. We purify the body. Then the body is wrapped in a shroud and put in a coffin. Then taken to the graveyard. We lift the body out of the coffin and carry it on our shoulders to the grave. It’s a very physical act of saying goodbye. You dig the ground using a shovel and your hands. It’s a physical connection. The idea is that the person is going on to a better place.

At my worse period last year I was thinking about suicide a lot. Since my teenage years I’ve had suicidal thoughts and probably a week hasn't gone by when I don't think about killing myself. Part of my thinking is, it would be a huge relief for my friends and family. But I am a Muslim and suicide is considered a sin. I do think the world would be a better place without me.

Do you think you could ever take your own life?

I wouldn’t say never. I’ve thought about how I’d do it. I’ve talked to my therapist about it and he’s explained how devastating it is to those you leave behind. There’s also an enhanced risk of other family members doing it too and the idea of that is too much!

What do you think about faith?

For me if it wasn’t for my faith I probably wouldn’t be here. It’s an important part of my life. I pray five times a day. I’m struggling with my spiritual side at the moment.

What have you taken from today?

Quite a lot. It’s been nice chatting. It’s made me think about a few things that I haven’t thought about for a longtime. In fact it’s made me realise that my ideal life isn’t as far away as I think it was.