I think women respond to men who can express themselves emotionally

Howard 50. Divorced. Two children. Works in factory production

How are you?

The first word that springs to mind is excited. I’ve come to realise life is sometimes shit but endlessly fascinating. I’m not bored that’s for sure. I’ve been working in the same job for 20 years. I want to get involved in something that has worth - I’m thinking about teaching. I’ve got 4 O’levels but have transferable skills. I’ll have to retrain. I have a lot of options.

How do you see yourself?

I’m still judgemental but not as much as I used to be. I’m a bit of a mess really. I spend too much time doing things I don’t really believe in, in a half arsed way. I need to shift the balance. I’ve lost a bit of energy and spark and I need to find it again. I like me now but there were times when I didn’t. I’ve done things that weren’t nice. Now I’m an honest, open, say what I think sort of guy. I’m not scared of anything, I think I’m fucking great! (laughing)

What do you think about marriage?

I think it’s pointless and unnecessary. I wouldn’t do it again. I got divorced in 2015. I spent 19 years of my life with that person and we have two wonderful children. I put a huge amount into what effectively was a loveless relationship. I did the right thing by leaving. I didn’t do it well but I’m glad I made the move. I was bored in my marriage. The ray of sunshine are my kids.

Relationships are about remembering not to switch off when the other person is telling you about their day. It’s about listening to them. Paying them attention. It’s the simple things you forget when you start to take someone for granted. Simple courtesies need to be maintained. I want the rest of my life to be happy and fulfilled with my girlfriend by my side. I don’t want to be over reliant on her - the idea of her not being in my life is scary. I don’t want to be lonely - I do get lonely.

What do you think about children?

Most of the time they’re a pain in the arse. I wouldn’t change it for the world. It’s relentless. The past 20 years have just been a blur. I don’t regret it. Time again I would have been less cynical in their ear shot, less judgmental of others. It was one of the last things my dad said to me before he died - ‘Don’t be so judgemental’ and he was right. Who am I to judge? First impressions can be so wrong. I spent too much time judging, being sarcastic about parents in the playground. I’d bitch about them in earshot of my kids.

What are your dreams, what makes you tick?

My dream is to have a recording contract and go on tour. I’m writing good stuff, original songs. They might not be to everyone’s taste but I know they’re good. There’s a gap in the market for an ex indie, alternative, middle aged guy. Occasionally I’ll nip over the road to the pub and do an ‘open mic’ gig to an audience of 15, who clap politely (laughing). I’m a performer. I like the attention. It’s not a huge amount of fun going on stage. I shit myself. It’s one thing standing on a stage with 3 or 4 other people but it’s a whole other ball game doing it on your own. It makes you vulnerable.

What’s your most memorable experience?

There are a few but I remember when I was 7 we moved North with my Step Dad’s new job. I was bullied. I used to get chased home from school everyday by four lads and it went on for weeks. One time this lad grab me and started banging my head on the pavement. I was terrified about moving on to secondary school. There were fights regularly. I developed a stutter. I hated school. I was so miserable. I only saw my real dad four times a year - it was shit. As time went on I found the best coping method was was to make people laugh.

What do you think about life?

I don’t dwell on why we are here and what it’s all about. My parents bred that’s why I’m here. If I’d have been born a squirrel, life would have been very different! We are just humans and this is what we do. There’s no God or afterlife. That’s it - it’s very straightforward. If you’d asked me 20 years ago I’d have given you a different answer. I might have said something along the lines of: I don’t believe in God but I believe in destiny. We all have a path and a purpose. Our spirit or souls carry on living somehow - somewhere after you die. I liked the idea from being a kid. I’d have been unsure or unclear. I hadn’t worked it out. I was keeping my options open. There’s naivety in those thoughts. Then as I’ve gotten older, common sense and logic kicked in. I’ve become more cynical. I think it’s coming to terms with your own mortality. The idea of Karma is bollocks - I don’t believe that now.

What brings you down?

Wow, some of these questions are hard. People who cheat, who aren’t honest. Unpleasant people. If people didn’t cheat the world would be a nicer a place. People who drop litter. Feeling lonely gets me down. I have to push the feeling away.

What do you think about faith?

When people say ‘I’m not religious but I’m spiritual’. What the heck does that actually mean? I have never had an explanation from anyone who can tell me what ‘spiritual’ means. I think people with a non religious stance are having the better time in life. Faith is a coping strategy. An escapism. Life is shit a lot of the time. It’s really hard. It’s harder to face up to how shit it is if you don’t have faith in something. Life is lonely.

What would you like to leave for the next generation?

My message or advice is just be nice to people. Be open and honest. Don’t be judgmental - don’t be quick to judge people.

How do you best express yourself?

I’ve always been a bit of a show off but I lack confidence. My levels of confidence have always fluctuated. If I am being really honest I’m a frustrated Star! I’ve always thought I’m a little bit special. But as I’ve got older I’ve realised I’m special because I’m me and I don’t have to be in the limelight. I don’t have to perform to have that acknowledged.

What have you taken from today?

Some of the questions on the surface sound quite straight forward but they’re not. I cried a lot. It’s been good and I’m glad I did it. I like these sorts of conversations and getting to the nitty gritty of life. It’s hard to find men you can have these sorts of conversations with. I think women respond to men who can express themselves emotionally.