When you don’t verbalise, things fester and become poisonous

Paul 47. Born in Tonga raised in New Zealand. Teacher. Married with 3 kids.

How are you?

I’m trying to figure out how I am. I’ve been put in the slow lane recently.

A few months ago I had a major accident - (I tore my heart by lifting something too heavy). Just before that life changing moment I’d been doing what I love best; organising events that bring communities together. This particular event was the Rugby World Cup. I was excited. It started off small and kept growing. By the Final there were 300 people in the venue. It wasn’t about about the rugby, it became a place to hang out, to feel connected. The driving force for me is finding connection. Having proper conversations, connecting with people and feeling part of the community - it makes me feel alive.

The way a lot of people live, especially in cities can bring isolation and loneliness. I like to create a community, to fill in the gap for lack of extended family. It’s a way of feeling connected.

To go from that euphoric state to having an accident a week later - was the perfect ending! It was surreal. I was rushed into hospital and straight into major heart surgery. I knew I was going to be fine. I never felt negative about it, or that it was the end - it was really powerful. I enjoyed the whole experience. I got so much positivity and love whilst I was in hospital, it was incredible. Now I’m on the road to recovery I want to do more community stuff. That’s my calling!

When I get involved I throw myself in. I can’t regulate. I’m all or nothing. I have to watch out for this now. I need to manage how I get involved. It’s difficult. It part and part of getting older and being kinder to myself. After the accident I said I’m really going to look after myself. But it’s hard.

How do you think other people see you?

After the accident I got to see the impact of the work I’ve done has had on other people and how they responded. I seem to have occupied elderly statesmen status since my accident. I feel really appreciated and loved. It’s really difficult about talking about stuff like this. I don’t try to think about these things.

What do you like about yourself?

Automatically I was thinking what I don’t like about myself. I think I like myself. I am very comfortable with myself. I don’t know how to answer this question.

I like my friendliness - I’m cringing! I like being open. It’s fundamental. I don’t like being on my own. If I’m at home alone, I watch dumb tv, wasting time. I want to do more reading and shed more light on the work I’m doing and stuff that’s going on inside. Maybe I’m too scared.

Where does all your energy go?

It goes out and not a lot goes in. From the moment I get up there is a sense of duty. I need to explore that.

What’s your most memorable experience?

Our wedding day. It was very memorable - the whole day was magical. Also the first time I played Rugby for Tonga.

Who or what inspires you?

Connection. That’s the word that’s coming around all the time. That’s the thing that inspires me. Finding connection is what inspires me. Connection with other people, the soil, myself.

What do you think about death?

Tonga funerals are different to English funerals. In Tonga there’s a protocol, everyone knows what they’re doing. Everyone is screaming, crying, laughing and joyful. We eat a lot of food and purge all the ‘nasties’ out. English funerals are a bit stifled. After my accident I am reminded of the finality of death.

Sometimes in Tongan culture, and in the case of my mum, when someone dies we put their body on top of their deceased spouse. We exhume the body, open the casket and take out the bones. All the grandsons take the bones to the sea. They are washed and put on a Tapa mat. We then put the body on top of the bones, wrap them together and bury them again. I felt bad I didn’t get to see my mum in her last years and when she died. I struggle with that. Maybe that’s how I right that in my head - by doing the stuff I do.

What do you think about faith?

We had a few prayer sessions after my accident. It’s been a while since I’ve prayed. It was very powerful. It was a time when we were all struggling coming to terms to our new reality. You can verbalise with your prayers. When you don’t verbalise things fester and become poisonous. I feel faith should have more status in my life but it doesn’t.

What would you like to leave for the next generations?

Compassion is the first and foremost - it’s the legacy I want to leave. I’d like to leave the ability to be able to talk to anyone whatever they do or wherever they come from.

I think about the impact I am having on my kids, not just my own but all the kids I work with. I’ve realised the anger they have is just an inability to express what’s really going on. You have to try and work out what’s happening, what’s trying to be said. I have greater compassion when I talk to my teenage son.

What have you taken from today?

I find talking about myself very difficult. When I am out there doing what I do, it’s about me not talking. If the focus is on other stuff I don’t have to talk. I need to explore that. It would make the quiet times by myself have more meaning. At this time of life I should be comfortable being by myself. I need to do work on myself, it will enable a better outcome on the work that I’m doing.

The thing I get from this is spend more quiet time. Less Netflix, sit in silence. I think I might call it a revelation!