I guess underneath it all, men don't properly give a shit!

Phil 52. Single. Dad From Luton, lives in Rome. Works as a Psychotherapist 

How are you? 

I’m busy, even in lockdown. I do three main things: I have my private practice, I see about 15 clients a week. I work in a wellness centre in a school where I supervise two nurses, a psychologist and a counsellor. I have my own business too which has mushroomed. I set up a 24/7 counselling helpline with emergency and crisis support for students studying abroad, three years ago, here in Rome. Now we're in Florence, Paris, Madrid, London, and Lugano too. It's been difficult because up until recently I’d been doing everything on my own. I love lots about it like the public speaking but I get bored having to put everything into policies and procedures. I’m an ideas person. I nearly gave it all up as I get bored with the finer detail. 

How do you see yourself? 

As a kid I was the weirdo in our family. Nobody really understood me. I was the odd one out. Different to anybody I knew. I just didn't relate to the people around me. Recently I feel less visible and am wondering why I have this feeling? Three months ago I was at a gay discussion group that I go to. I was trying to describe my feeling of invisibility. The facilitator asked everybody in the room to cover their eyes and I should keep mine open. It was interesting. Suddenly being in a room where I could see everybody and they couldn't see me was exactly how it feels. I’m not sure why because if I look in a mirror I’m not bad. I’ve got loads of friends. I'm kind and compassionate. I’m good at business, I know I'm good at my job. I’m good company and fun to be with. 

Unconsciously my thoughts go something like this: People can’t see me because if they could, surely I’d be in a relationship?  I don’t walk around with many negative beliefs about myself although I do have some about my overall intelligence that aren’t too positive. I’ve realized I make myself invisible sometimes. 

What do you think about marriage? 

I think it would be interesting to know what it's like to make that commitment. When I see my son’s mums, they’re such a unit, they're so committed to each other. I'd love to get married. I’ve thought about this more and more recently. For someone to make a commitment to spend their life with and vice versa feels incredibly powerful. I like the idea of signing up to be a team. 

My mum and dad’s marriage is not a great example. It's not violent or anything, but it's violent in its disdain. How terribly unmatched they are and how unspoken everything is. They've never had an easy relationship. They’re amazing in their own ways but they’re so different, they don't seem to enjoy each other's differences.

What do you think about children? 

We have one child and we tried for more but it didn’t happen.  All I ever wanted was to be a dad. I never really questioned the fact that I wouldn't be. You become an adult, you have kids. It was always part of my thinking. I'd love to have had a bigger family. 

In our situation, where I live in a different country to my son and his mums, it’s complicated trying for kids. It’s difficult enough when you're in a standard heterosexual relationship living together, let alone trying at a distance! 

What's your most memorable experience? 

I was sexually abused as a child. He wasn't a family member but he was somebody that my family took under its wing. He’d had a horrible upbringing, a shit life. He was 10 years or so older than me. I suppose I was about 11 at the time. It happened over a period of time. I don't even know how often or how many times. He used to babysit for us. 

Having worked with lots of patients who have been sexually abused, one of the biggest taboos, along with everything else, there might have been a feeling of pleasure. That can be one of the factors that triggers the confusion and shame. Abuse is always an abuse of power and he abused his power as an older man. I do remember at times feeling my body reacting and at the same time knowing something was very wrong, elicit and shameful. That's a part that so many people who’ve been sexually abused struggle with. It’s also the thing the abuser has over you. It's part of your weakness, like you were almost compliant, an elicit secret. I told my mum once when she came to see me and we never spoke about it again for ages. She told my dad which shocked me because they never seemed to speak about anything. I was pleased about that. I’ve talked about it with them over the years. I can now talk about it without being ashamed. I believe shame is one of the worst and most toxic emotions we have. One of my objectives in life is to live with as little shame as possible, apart from the shame that you need to stop you shooting someone or shoplifting! 

Who or what inspires you? 

I came across a few years back was a refuge for women who have been sexually assaulted. A safe place for women to go. It’s open for lunch - anyone can go, that’s how I ended up there. It’s good food and cheap. 

It's amazing, staffed and run by women volunteers; social workers, lawyers, therapists, counsellors, interpreters. It got me thinking; violent acts are pretty much always performed by men. So women have been treated like shit, raped and assaulted by men and then women are the ones who support other women helping them get through it. Where the fuck are the men?. Where, as a man is my collective anger with other men? Where are the men in supporting women who have been totally abused by us men? If women can come together to support one another then where’s our anger and drive? We can somehow muster up collective sympathy for each other when we feel targeted by the #MeToo campaign yet not for the women we sexually abuse. The amount of damage caused to women by men and our inaction, is frankly, unacceptable. I guess underneath it all men don't properly give a shit. We have it too easy. 

I mean do us men really care about the fact that on average we earn about 20% more than our female counterparts or that our brothers, uncles, fathers are abusing women? Those of us that might actually give a shit, don't really do anything about it. I mean look at me, did I sign up to volunteer when I was eating my delicious cheap bowl of freshly made soup? Our lack of collective giving a shit on any genuine level is astonishing. 

I was really touched and moved and angry about it but did I do anything? I remember thinking to myself, which men in life have ever really been truly inspiring? Well, there’s Martin Luther King, Malcolm X, Ghandi, Mandela. I came up with a few really, really well known men throughout history. Awesome black and minority ethnic men who stood out because they hadn't abused that power and yet they had done amazing things. If you were to ask me which women have inspired me in my life, literally there are hundreds, and they’re not necessarily famous. I meet women every day who do amazing things. Bringing up kids, bringing up their husbands. Looking after family, home and still having a career as well. Which in my view has completely backfired. The whole thing about women getting the right to work means they have to go to work as well as doing all the shit they were doing before. For all of this women are more exploited than ever. I think women are amazing. They know they’re far superior to us.  We haven't got a fucking clue! We bomb each other and create wars and conflicts for no reason. I’ve been gobsmacked by how amazing women are. 

What do you think about life? 

Firstly I'm so pleased I'm gay. I think I’ve had a much more interesting life as a result. Being gay forces you to question things. You couldn't pay me to be straight. There are so many ready made communities you can tap into. 

Life is complex, fascinating and interesting but I'm in such a privileged position to be able to look at it from a philosophical point of view. It’s not a hard struggle for me to find the money to get food on my table. I've got the luxury to live in an 80 square meter apartment with a balcony and to be able to reflect in this way, to have the time to talk to you. That level of privilege is huge.  I don't think it means I should beat myself with a stick for having it but it should be acknowledged at the very least. I find life amazing, curious, satisfying, destructive and cruel at the same time. 

What brings you down? 

Feeling misunderstood. Feeling like I haven’t managed to communicate who I am. Not being seen or acknowledged. 

What would you leave for the next generation? 

Be compassionate to yourself, never beat yourself up. Take an orange tree for example. If you want it to give you oranges then you have to really think about the soil you plant the tree in, the food you feed it. Giving it the right amount of water and so on. You have to attend to it. When it's cold you might want to bring it inside. When it’s too hot you move it in the shade. If it still doesn't give you oranges you don't start shouting at it, calling it fucking useless or beating it - if you do it will become infected and stressed and then there’s really no chance it will give you fruit. You stay in touch with it, looking after it and loving it all the same. And it may - or may not - bear fruit. And that has to be ok. 

What have you taken from doing this? 

You said right from the very beginning that you don’t have an agenda and that really comes across in this process. You don't have any expectations. I’m not forced to perform. It's a very regulating process. I hear your questions, your lack of judgment and genuine curiosity. I can hear my own thoughts and opinions. I'm coming out of this with a sense of calm, a sense that everything in the world is ok for now. This isn’t therapy but it is therapeutic.