I’ve realized, just keep your mouth shut

Tom 58, Married. Painter and decorator from London. Chelsea supporter. 

Before we start can I ask you how the Corona virus is affecting you? 

I do miss my football. I’m a Chelsea season ticket holder. That’s my social outlet. I know it's silly when people are dying but it impacts on everyone's life in different ways. I’m lucky. I’ve got a garden and my kids are safe. But there are a lot of unhappy families out there, all stuck indoors together. There's going to be some stories that come out. Violence in the home is going up. That's what frightens me and what if you're stuck upon the 30th floor of a tower block and the lifts don't work. I feel fucking sorry for those people.

How are you?

I'm at my happiest in my life because I don't have young kids to worry about. We’ve got seven kids between us. They’re all grown up now so we don’t live with them anymore. I love seeing them, although my son lives quite far away and of course now we are in lockdown it’s difficult.

How do you see yourself?

My job is generally solitary. I used to get work on my personality. I’m not getting into Brexit politics, but when I'm moved up to London nine years ago, I was undercut by a lot off Eastern Europeans and that knocked my confidence. I didn’t have that kind of competition where I lived before. I just wasn’t getting the jobs. My confidence and attitude changed. It's been tough. I know my job and I’m very good at it. I used to be busy all the time. Now I’m finding it hard.

What do you like about yourself? 

I’m kind. I'll do anything for anyone. I generally have good thoughts about people. I love animals. I hate cruelty to animals more than anything. I'm a vegetarian and have been for 30 years. I won't touch meat.

What made you decide to become a vegetarian? 

I was playing football and afterwards we went for drinks. The pubs chucked us out at closing and we went for a kebab. I went home and was seriously ill for a week. I was really bad. My son was 6 months old. As I was recuperating I watched this programme about an abattoir and what they used to do to the animals. I've never touched meat after that. 

Years ago my ex wife and I went to live in France, and you know how the french love their meat. One day we were invited to an event. We’re the only English people there. Luckily I was working with a man who spoke English. I told him we were vegetarians. He looked me straight in the eye like I was an idiot or something. He just said ‘don't worry’. Later all the men in the village were sitting at trestle tables. The women came in carrying big silver platters presented with pigs heads. The last platter had four fish fingers on it. We all laughed. They warmed to us, it was lovely.

What do you think about marriage? 

I am a great believer in it. I’ve been married twice and they were the two best days of my life. I think it's a great institution. All I ever wanted was a wife and two kids. My first wife left me. I know exactly why she left me. I wasn’t around much. I used to play a lot high level cricket and football. I’d work all day and come home looking like a dust bomb. She was wooed by some suited and booted, six foot bloke. Time over again I would have been a better husband. What do you mean? Better hygiene. What, did you not wash? No, seriously. Being a decorator I would come home covered in dust and paint. I could have made more of an effort; cleaned up, put aftershave on. It was a tough time; paying the mortgage, making sure I had work coming in. I had 10 decorators working for me. It was stressful. I wasn't a happy bunny. I was miserable. We didn't grow apart. I just think she had her head turned. 

Most people don’t have that opportunity to find out who they are unitl they’re alone. I had that opportunity when she left me but all I wanted to do was to meet someone. I am envious of people who are happy in their own skin, I need a partner. I wasn't a great dad for a time because I was heartbroken. I wasn't really there. All I could do was to get up in the morning, go to work and get the kids to school. Meanwhile she lived on the other side of town in her love nest. 

I've been with three women in my life. The second one cheated on me too. She was a member of a book club. This book clubs met at 10 o'clock on a Saturday morning. Then 8pm on a Sunday and then lunch time mid week. It took me a couple of weeks to work out what was going on. 

I had my kids, I was running a business and I just got on with it. I've had au pairs to help over the years. They were all nice apart from one, she didn’t last long. She locked the kids in the bedroom, she was a horrible woman! 

I’ve been with my current wife for nine years. I’m lucky to have found her. I really admire people that have stuck at marriage for the long haul. I’ve gone through a lot of shit to get to where I am now.

One thing has affected me which I didn’t think would. My ex wife left me and our kids when they were 3 and 5. She had the affair. All these years on and now there’s grandchildren, she wants to be involved. My thoughts are - you couldn't do it for your own kids, but now you want to be involved for your grandkids? Mums leaving their kids is more common than you think. It’s happened to quite a few of my friends too.

Did your mum and dad stayed together? No, my mum left when I was 12. My dad was useless. I know why they split up. He was a decorator, a terrible businessman. It’s horrible to say but I don’t think my dad wasn’t that bright. He’d charge a fiver for the job and the paint would cost six quid! Although he was great at putting up wallpaper and a lovely bloke.

Mum and dad gave us a choice. Who do you want to stay with? It wasn’t really a question because mum moved in with her new fella anyway. He was a nice bloke. I liked him. Years later I remember mum calling to say she had some terrible news. I thought she was going to tell me she’d got cancer. She said, I'm pregnant. She was 49. Then she had another one at 53! I was 16 and 19 when they were born. 

My dad had a number of girlfriends. He packed in being a decorator to look after us. He got a job as a caretaker at a school and ran the local football team.

What’s your most memorable experience? 

When my ex told me she was having an affair. That changed my life. I was 28. It was the most outstanding moment in my life. It was 25 years ago. I loved her to bits. That was really hard. 

When Chelsea won champions league in 2012. Meeting my now wife. My life has changed enormously. I've had a blast for the last nine years. We have a good time. We laugh. We’ve had our ups and downs, but doesn't everyone?

What do you think about life?

I tend not to go too deep. When you look at old photos you can become a bit morbid. Don’t go there. We are only here for a short period and when we die, we go to sleep. You come, you live, you die, that’s part of my ethos about animals. I don't think they're bred to be killed and eaten. Who do we think we are to do that? I eat fish, I sometimes wish I didn’t. I can't empathise with a fish as much as I can with a pig, a cow or sheep. I'm not too keen on the human race. 95% are nice but it's the 5% that screw it up for the rest of us.

What brings you down?

The weather. Confrontation. I hate arguing. That brings me down. I'm down until it's sorted. I’m a sulker. Even if you know you're right, you're wrong. I’ve realized, just keep your mouth shut. It's taken me a long time to learn not to rock the boat!

How do you best express yourself?

I am just a pretty standard guy. It's important to be liked. I go to the pub, that's my outlet.

What have you taken from doing this?

This would have been helpful years ago when I was more needy. I’m not needy anymore. I’ve enjoyed it. It's interesting. It's nice to talk. You've asked me some questions and sometimes I’ve thought, what does she mean? These are good questions but some irrelevant to me because I don’t think like that. I don't have a massive ego.