Life in the time of Corona - Phil

I wanted to ask some of the people I’m interviewing how they felt being in Lockdown. A small social history contribution for our unprecedented times…

Phil, 52. Psychotherapist, From Luton. Lives in Rome.

How’ve you been so far? 

Two weeks ago I was supposed to be in London for my son’s 9th birthday. I see him every five weeks, either here in Rome or in London. He lives with his two mums. We Skype every week. That’s how it’s always been. In the current situation I can’t be there. My routine and normality has changed.

I’ve loved lockdown. I’ve really surprised myself. When lockdown first came I said to myself - as long as they don't close the gym I'll be fine. I felt the gym was a really important part of my life. I’d do four or five gym classes a week. It kept me sane. An hour later I got an email from the gym saying they were closing the next day. 

The first thing I learned about myself is I’m far more resilient than I thought and I can absolutely live life without the gym. Sometimes when you do one thing a lot it unconsciously feeds a monster inside that says; ‘Unless you do this five times a week then you're going to collapse in a big heap and everything’s going to be terrible’. It’s just not true. 

Before Corona I thought I needed lots of people around me. I thought I needed to be working in an office environment, having a laugh and playing daft jokes on colleagues. I just don’t.

I've never realised how much pressure it was having to going out. Life was always full on; trying to juggle jobs, friendships, lives and all the travelling I was doing. Everything suddenly stopped. It was liberating. As the weeks went on I felt much stronger and more aware of my ability to be alone and happy. I'd like to think that my increased sense of self worth and ability to manage myself will stay with me long after this. 

The first month was like a retreat, although I did work a lot. I’d wake up in the morning feeling very happy. There was no rhyme or reason why I should be so happy but that’s just how I felt. I didn't know people directly affected by the virus back then. It wasn’t touching me emotionally. Life felt so simple. There was a feeling that we’re all in this together and that really helped.

To give you an idea of our lockdown here in Rome: in a few weeks time when our rules become a little looser, we will be pretty much on a par with England’s lockdown. At the moment, if I want to go outside I have to fill out a form. I can be stopped at any time. I'm only allowed three reasons to leave the house; to buy food, to go to the pharmacy or to work, if I'm a key worker. Everything has to be documented. 

I can’t go for a walk in a park. All the parks are shut. I literally haven’t left these four walls for about eleven days. I’ll put the rubbish out once a week. It feels like a personal retreat, although it’s going on a bit now [laughing]. 

Part of my wellbeing during lockdown was thinking life will change after this - something really exciting will come out of it. Like the way we view capitalism and the economy, the way we relate to each other and the environment. I thought things would change because that’s how we were all talking in those earlier weeks. Seeing the Dolphins in Venice, finding ourselves cooking and being back with our natural values. Reconnecting with people, albeit virtually. That’s what I've always wanted. 

Then week five came, I saw this article about Wuhan and how life was returning to normal. I realised, nothing’s going to change. There’s going to be traffic whizzing around the Colosseum and Leicester Square soon enough. It’s all going to be polluted and noisy again. It hit me hard. At that point I started to feel the isolation. Most people I know are in couples or living with their families and because lockdown here is so extreme, I literally haven't seen anyone in the flesh apart from the guy at the fruit and veg store.

It all came at once.There was a void. I was missing all of normal life but at the same time thinking, I don't want the world to go back to normal. All the things I crave when we go back to normal will no longer be the solution for the void. It's like I'm never going to be the same again.