I squeezed into my wife’s Spanx

James 41. Consultant.  Married with two stepchildren. Actually just put two children, the ‘step’ has lost this distinction 

How are you ? 

I’m good. Happily married and happy in my job. I love the people I work with and enjoy what I'm doing at the moment. I have a better appreciation of the parts of my job I don't like and why I don't like them. I suppose that's normal. At the end of the day it’s work and they pay you to do it. I travel a lot so never get into a dull routine, which I was always afraid of. I quite like that I have no idea what I'm doing next year. That's quite exciting. 

A few years ago I had a bout of  depression. We moved house, I’d just got married and it things weren’t great. We had marriage counselling. It was a bit of a rocky road for a while. A fluctuation of change. 

How do you see yourself?

Average. I'm a nice guy. I've a good marriage. I’m a good dad. I could probably work a bit harder on things, that’s why I feel average. I don't see myself as particularly remarkable but nor do I see myself as a loser or a failure either. I'm content. I'm not going to change the world, and I'm okay with that.

I don’t like to dwell on how I see myself or I will find the faults! I always have a slight air of self disgust when I allow my head in. I’ll give you an example: I am a Captain in the army reservists, there was a remembrance parade. I couldn’t fit into my parade uniform so I squeezed into my wife’s Spanx in the vain attempt to get the trousers to do up. I saw myself as a fat pig. THAT was a particular low point! I’ve put on 20 kilos since I got married. Being in the army is a big part of my sense of identity and worth. Am I combat fit? I struggle with the army fitness tests. This tells me whether I am useful person or not? 

How do other people see you?

I think others see me as better than I see myself and I perhaps underestimate the value I have. I’m often perceived as being competent. I find that really interesting as there’s definitely  an element of  blaggery. People say ‘He's really confident we'll have him’, and I’m like - ‘what the fuck?’. I'm winging it, but  I’ve realised, so is everyone else!

What do you like about yourself?

That's a difficult question for someone who’s battled with depression. It started when my first relationship broke down although I think there was were signs when I was at University. I remember approaching graduation and having a sense of existential dread. This was the end of the line where the ‘system’ is leading you. What’s next? University is fascinating. You hang out and have lots of interesting conversations. You tell everyone your unlimited ambition, it's great. Suddenly it all stops. Now I have to make decisions that will determine what I’ll do for the rest of my life.

What do you think about marriage? 

I like it. If you're with the right person, it's the best thing. I absolutely love being married to my wife. I think the question is context specific. If I'd married my ex, it would have been a disaster. It wasn't always like that. We came very close to breaking up and had marriage counselling. Both of us brought so much baggage into our marriage. We married quite quickly after meeting but I stand by my initial instinct that she was the one. 

After the counselling I become much more self aware. I’m blissfully happy being married. It gives me a real sense of security. We’ve worked at it though. We know what we're doing and try not to get too selfish. I don’t go off and withdraw from family life. Although I will say nobody can piss me off as much as she can and vice versa. Marriage gets a thumbs up. The only downside of marriage is I've become a bit lazier. I'm not as motivated at work and certainly not as at the gym. 

What do you think about children?

I have two step kids and like I said at the beginning the ‘step’ has lost this distinction. They've yet to turn around in a fit of rage and say ‘you’re not my real dad’. I became their step dad when they were at an age when they were all lovely and cute. We were the centre of their world. Now they’ve entered the teenage years and boy, they piss me off. We’ve become their doormats! I love them to pieces though. 

What's your most memorable experience?

Probably doing my degree. It was such a pivotal developmental moment in my life. In many ways unremarkable but such a memorable moment of life cause it's the first time you’re grown up. I remember waking up, no alarm clock, no responsibilities. Thinking what shall I do today? Finish that essay and maybe see my mates in the park. How am I going to amuse myself, there was a huge freedom from responsibility. It’s a time in life when you’re young so you can drink as much as you want, eat as much as you want and still be physically attractive. A life completely devoid of responsibility apart from your own entertainment is what I remember the most. I don't know what that says about me. I can't quite believe we had that opportunity, although you don’t appreciate it at the time.  Now there's always shit that needs doing!

How do you feel about death?

I'd like eternal youth. I can see where death may be a welcome option. I don't want to die. I don't like it when people die. I don't believe there's an afterlife. So I think when you’re gone, you're gone.

I miss my grandparents. I'm not going like it when my parents die. I think in a way, bits of us die all the time. I'd quite like it if we could all just live forever. From a selfish point of view history, the world fascinates me.When am I ever going to have time to read all the books I want to read? I think it's just the world is too interesting. There's too much to do and see. From that point of view, ageing worries me. It starts to take away some options

What are your views on faith? 

The world is such as cesspit of misery in certain parts. The sheer inhumanity. I get quite angry that if there was a God, he’d let this all happen! I've been to Liberia where they fucking cut their hands off the women after they've raped them so they can never hold their child. That to me is proof. There's an absence of God because he allowed the rebels to have freewill. There is no God and that is really difficult to reconcile.

What do you think about doing this? 

I've always find it constructive, talking. It's good to get challenging questions. The ones that make you reflect a bit more. It's nice to feel special, if that makes sense. I've really enjoyed it. I've been looking forward to it. I think doing this is a really positive thing. Given that most of the problems in the world are caused by men, most of the focus should be about fixing men.

There’s a lot higher rate of suicide in men and still too many men who see therapy as failure. Men are generally more dick headish and problematic than women. There's an element to which I have been a prisoner of being male. The expectations we put on ourselves. Our need to project, and then there’s the all the pride men have!