I’ve never felt so vulnerable in my life

Peter 52. Married. From Lancashire. One son. One Granddaughter. Furloughed operations director

How are you?

I’m surprised how quickly my mood has changed since we've been in lockdown. I’m not quite right at the moment. I can feel some depression coming on? I’ve suffered with depression for the last four years. I was feeling ok but this virus situation has made me feel moody again. I’ve been furloughed. I’ve never felt so vulnerable in my life. I cant control anything. The whole of the construction industry is having to make cuts. I’ve never been in a position where people won't consider talking to me about job opportunities, everybody’s in the same position. It’s not good. 

What are you going to do with yourself? I've created a list of jobs at home but if I’m not careful I’ll run out of things to do. I’ve opened my mind to doing something different. I enjoy metal detecting. It gets you out in the fresh air and quietens the mind. I’ve lived in my house for 18 years and haven’t really explored the surrounding areas. I haven’t appreciated what’s on my own doorstep, time to investigate.

Five years ago I believed I was invincible then I got clobbered with depression. I never dreamt I’d end up in that place. I had to change my thinking massively. 

What does it like? It feels like dead butterflies in my body. It’s as if all my adrenalin is stuck inside me and has nowhere to go. I thought I was in better place than I am. What happened to trigger the depression? I think it was a combination of things. I had meningitis when I was 18 and according to my mum it changed my personality quite distinctly. I remember the doctor coming round, then the ambulance. It was back in the 80’s when AIDS was rife. Two paramedics turned up wearing ‘Hazmat suits’. I got carted off to hospital, no one knew what was wrong with me. It was scary. I was an angry person for a long time after that. 

I am one of three brothers. There was always an expectation that we’d follow in my grandfather’s and father’s footsteps and become joiners. So after school that’s what I did. When I was 24, I worked on building site with a brick layer who was in his late fifties. I remember looking at his weathered face and knew there and then I didn’t want to be in that position when I reached his age. It was a turning point. I went to night school to learn construction management for four years. (I’ve got a sort of photographic memory. I can pick up a technical book, read it and churn it out in an exam.)

At the time I held down a full time job as well as keeping my earnings up by being a taxi driver in the evenings. I put a lot of pressure on myself. One night I was picking up this lad from a nightclub, he gave me a joint as a tip. I’d never smoked drugs before. I left it on the sideboard for weeks, then one night I came home from work and said to my wife, I was going to have a puff on that joint. I went into the yard, she came out and said it didn’t smell right. I threw it over the wall. Ten minutes later I started getting really bad palpitations and she had to call the ambulance. They kept me in. The joint had been made from a cocaine derivative. My heart rate was over 200 beats a minute for a good few hours.

A week later I thought everything was back to normal. We’d gone over to Scarborough for the day. On the way back my heart started racing again. I was having a flash back. Over the next few years it happened a few times. That joint definitely triggered something in my brain. 

I’ve been off work with depression twice.  One time I was working on a huge construction project and it wasn’t going to plan. Fingers were pointing in my direction, it was stressful. I was on site. The stress was getting to me. I had pins and needles in my fingers. I was bent over trying to put my boots on and the tears were pouring. I didn't want anyone seeing me like that so I had to walk away. I couldn’t work out what was going on.

That weekend I didn't feel well at all. I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I saw a face staring back at me that I didn’t recognise. I knew I wasn’t right. I sent an email to my boss telling him I wasn’t coming in. He told me to take some time off. He spent a lot of time with me. He was very supportive. By the end of that first week I was lying on the settee. I couldn’t even be arsed to brush my teeth, or shave. I didn't want to do anything. It was bizarre. The saddest thing about it was looking at my wife and seeing what it was doing to her. I could tell she was looking at me wondering if I was going to do something to myself. 

Have you ever thought about that?  I’d always had a disdain for people who committed suicide because I couldn't understand how they got into that position but when my depression came on I understood it because I felt close to it. That was a scary moment. It changed my thinking. It was one of those life defining moments because I was getting closer and closer to that point myself. 

Until you speak with somebody who’s been in the same place, depression is a very lonely place. You personalize it to yourself, not realizing there's hundreds of people who are in exactly the same position.

I’ve realised in order to keep myself mentally strong, I have to be physically strong. It's become a double edged sword. I worry about how much exercise I’m going to have to do for the rest of my life. There’s no middle ground, it’s all or nothing and I’m not sure the level of exercise I need to do is sustainable. I’ve reflected a lot on my depression and have decided to treat it as the chemical imbalance it is rather than a mental health condition.

How do you see yourself?

That's a difficult question, isn't it? I probably see myself differently than if you’d asked me three weeks ago. I feel vulnerable at the moment..

What do you think about marriage? 

I love marriage. One thing I do recognize when I feel down is how much of a rock my wife is. I couldn’t have done my career without her. 

Where does all your energy go? 

From when I wake up in the morning to when to go to sleep at night, I just burn it off. I do a lot of exercise. We walk a lot. I can spend hours on mountain tops in the Lake district, strolling along. I get an immense amount of satisfaction from that. 

I have an App on my phone called ‘Lose it’.  I use it to control my food and calorie intake. I've been using it for nearly two and a half years and have logged every piece of food or drink that’s gone into my mouth. So tonight when I have 800 calories of gin, I’ll  go off on a bike ride later to balance it out. 

What are your dreams? 

I really wouldn’t change anything. I don't have any regrets.  I’m struggling with the concept of retiring. I like the idea of having a small campsite somewhere up in the Orkneys, spending the winter months doing nothing. Maybe I’ll have a small joinery business or something. 

What’s your most memorable experience? 

Getting married. I passed out at the alter. It was an unseasonably hot day, I’d had a few drinks the night before, it was quite emotional. All of a sudden I was flat out!

Another of life defining moments was when I was 39. I was rock climbing in the Lake district with some friends. I fell. I still really don't know why I slipped, I’d done this climb many times. I fell 35 feet, crashing down to the floor. My helmet shattered, I had a piece of plastic stuck out of the back of my head. I led there trying to stay awake. I knew if I went out I might not come round again. The focus and effort I had to put in for me not to pass out, was a phenomenal. That was a surreal day to start reflecting on my life. The mountain rescue team came and I was helicoptered off the mountain. They fired a load of morphine into me. I went back to that moment when I was feeling depressed, thinking I’d put all that effort into surviving that fall, how can I not survive this?

What do you think about the weather? 

In 2004 I decided to climb all the Wainwright mountains in the Lakes. There are 214 of them! That was a huge commitment in itself. In that situation you've got to deal with the weather. Some of the conditions were atrocious but no matter how bad it got, it gave me a different perspective, not only of myself, but on the scenery I was emerged in. 

What think about life? 

Years ago I’d wake up every Saturday morning and think about dying. I don't know why to this day. But it got me thinking, what is life all about? I kept asking myself that question to the point where I got bored so I've never thought about it since.

What would you like to leave the next generation? 

A plaque on a random rock in the Lake District that says ‘Peter Was Here’. I thought he was going to say - Peter says ‘Please pick up your litter’!

What have you taken from doing this?

What a great chat! It’s been brilliant. When I said I was anxious about it, I wasn’t lying. I was extremely nervous and anxious but once I got talking, it was natural.