I wasted a large amount of my life worrying

SIMON 47. MARRIED TWO DOGS, TWO KIDS AND A VINEYARD!

How are you?

I feel really me today. You can tell I’ve had counselling can’t you? (laughing) Today my life is as complete as it can be. It’s a really good day. I’ve quite enjoyed lockdown in terms of needing a break. It’s been a bit of a godsend. I struggle with anxiety.

How do you see yourself?

I'm a bit dizzy. Not a lot of men use that word to describe themselves. I don’t have a problem with that. For years I didn’t like myself. I used to be everyone or everything apart from the real me. It's been a very painful journey. I like me now.

I’m very self aware. I'm conscious when I'm being annoying. I’m not as erratic as I used to be. Medication helps. I used to act very irrationally, my mood was all over the place. A big cloud descended. It all got too much. One evening my wife called my parents in, that’s the last thing I wanted. We all sat round and had a chat. I took some time off. Saw the doctor. I came back. A colleague said - ‘he’s back’, that meant a huge amount as I knew it meant more than just my physical return to work.

I’ve learned to appreciate people. I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’ve learned that I care, and I care what other people think. I've stopped the whole seriousness of over thinking. I understand more about the world around me. I’m positive about things now. I'm cynical, but positive. I’ve realised the only thing holding me back is me.

What do think about marriage?

I was always conscious of not being alone. My mum and dad separated when I was seven. My dad had the stereotypical affair with his secretary. I think that had a lot to do with my emotional upheaval. I vividly remember him leaving because I tried to stop him going out the front door. You feel very alone as a child. I know I did even though I had a sister.

I married my best mate. I remember when she told me she loved me. I was really taken aback. We were good friends and it might have ruined the friendship. We were only 23. It was so definite.We’ve been together 22 years. When we got married my father in law asked one thing - not to stand in her way professionally. That told me everything about how he saw his daughter. I was never going to disagree because that's how I see her too. You don't want to stife the person you love most.

We work because we are chalk and cheese. She is the ambitious, driven one. I’m the ambitiously relaxed one. She’s the bread winner. She’s the most committed. It’s taken me a long time to accept our life style and our roles. For years I struggled with the concept of traditional roles, part of it was guilt. But we don’t need tradition, we just work.

Marriage formalises a relationship. It doesn't change the relationship. It’s a celebration, a ritual. I love marriage. It sounds really conservative and traditional, that’s not a bad thing, is it? Over time marriage becomes a strong friendship that is more than sex, thank god! You get each other. Our relationships is different now. It’s much more about emotion than physicality. If physicality's is all you have, it’s not going to be enough. It's about having enough in common to tolerate each other.

I think for most men it’s someone else in their life that brings out the best in them. We are like naughty little boys and our partners tolerate it. I'm grateful for that because I don't always want to feel like I'm 47 years old. Worrying about my body hurting, or whether I’ve done enough exercise, or am I eating the right things? Should I have had that extra glass of wine? Am I doing everything right? Life is full of responsibility and burdens. It’s nice to be stupid from time to time’

‘MEN TALK’ - OUT SOON!