I worked to live not the other way round

Jason 51. From London. Lives with his long term partner. Personal trainer. Creative. Still striving!

How are you? 

Highly stressed. It's been a weird time. I haven't been able to work. I train people but because of Covid that’s not happening so I’ve been out doing all sorts of different jobs; gardening, labouring, painting and decorating. I feel like I’m going back to being a 17 years old again. I’m knackered doing a days labouring. 

Am I'm going to build up a business again? Do I need to go out, retrain and get a full time job? I started to ask myself; who am I and what am I doing? What’s my identity? My life has completely changed. I was a relaxed, movement trainer, teaching a few clients every week. I worked to live not the other way round. My life before Covid was chilled. I don’t have kids, I used to go on holiday when ever I wanted. Now it’s a completely different ball game. Life was brilliant before all this kicked off. 

A piece of advice that I took on board was from Stephen Fry during lockdown was having experienced mental health issues himself, he said -  when you do a task make it last 5 times longer than it would normally take. You slow it right down. It helps.

How do you see yourself?

I feel like a person who’s been like dropped out of the sky and put in the wrong place. I am a very self-centered person. I’m happy in my own headspace. I’m quite introverted. I’m happy sitting, watching, observing and listening. I’m just happy being. I suffer with this condition called  - common sense!  I am a problem solver without a formal education. I can look at a situation and know how to unravel things and put them back together again.

Do you like you? Yes I think so. I’m a definite work in progress. I've suffered with severe mental health issues that put me in hospital. I'm still suffering from the effects of that. I'm actually pretty proud of myself and how I’ve keep going. My breakdown nearly broke me. 

What happened? I was on my motorbike and went through the windscreen of a car. I have a nerve condition. I’ve been struggling for years. It may well be a lifelong thing. I get up in the morning in in agony. I cant walk long distances because of my feet. I'm probably not going to be able to continue training. I shattered my foot and snapped my arm. I was told I’d never walk again. I had a premonition it was going to happen. 

The sensation I had was like putting my fingers in an electric socket and it reverberating through my brain. I had pain from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to sleep. I felt there was no way out. Everything shut down. I was left shaking like a leaf. I remember looking in the mirror and not recognizing myself. It went on for months and months and months. I used to sit in a hot bath and think there was only one way out of this. That's why people take their own lives, when you can't see a way out. It was just relentless.

I was diagnosed with PTSD and medicated for 7 years. Being in abject pain you just want to die. Every fucking day I'd be lying in bed crying because I was in so much pain. Eventually I stopped taking the medication. I locked myself in my bedroom for two weeks and took control of it. I had to learn how to walk again. I learned reiki, shiatsu and reflexology in order to heal myself. 

What do you like about yourself?

My humility. I'm happy and comfortable in myself. If I didn’t like a certain element of myself my common sense would kicked in and I'd have to do something about. I’m always self checking. I love my own company. I can sit around for months just doing things. I’m in my flow.

What do you think of Marriage?

I have my partner, two dogs and a house. Marriage isn’t going to change any of that. People look outside themselves for contentment, not inside! 

What do you think about children? 

When I was about about 18 I thought I might have kids but as the years went on and I realise how self- centered and selfish I am. I’d rather do my own thing than take on that responsibility. It boils down to being secure in myself and knowing that. A lot of people go along with marriage and children without thinking about the consequences. 

When people ask if I have children, I’m honest. I tell them I don’t really see where kids fit in my life because I'm selfish. Is that's selfish or just knowing what you're about? I've had three dogs. They have a brilliant life. Do I want to do what everyone else has done? How many children are out there who have been abused, purely because their parents shouldn't have had kids? I’m a selfish fucker, I don’t want kids. I don’t like other peoples kids either. Kids come up to my dogs and they go  - ‘your dogs are ugly’. The first thing I do is tell their mother, ‘your fucking kid is ugly - get it out of my face’. 

Do you have any dreams? 

Honestly, I still haven’t found it. I'm happy with myself. I'm happy doing fuck all. Money doesn't do it for me. All I know is I’ve got to keep doing something, whatever it might be. I get bored too quickly. The system never looked out for people like me. I left school at 15 with very few qualifications. and went to work. I’m a visual person. I wasn’t taught in a way that I could understand. I’ve always felt there’s something missing even though I’m happy.  

What's your most memorable experience? 

Years ago I was at the Scala cinema in Kings Cross at a Rave. I was coming up on an E - being the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. I was standing on the cinema chair listening to Adamski blaring at me. Although it was drug induced it wasn't about the drugs, it was about being at the right place at the right time. 

What do you think about the weather?

I like the extremes. My best memory is being on the top of a mountain, skiing in a whiteout. Trying to get down the mountain - that’s what does it for me. The extreme challenge. Everyone else says that’s their worst possibly scenario. 

After a bad road accident I was indoors for months. Eventually I went out for the first time when it was absolutely pissing it down. That feeling on my face, I absolutely love it. I can just walk and walk and walk with the rain coming down on my face. Taking my hood down and getting soaked. I love that feeling. I like to go out the extremities.

What do you think about life?

It's about flow, it’s about movement. It's about healing. It's about people. Lessons too: 

When I was about 17 and first started driving. I’ve got to the traffic lights and a bloke in a BMW came flying past me and over took me at which point I lent out the window and started giving him loads of abuse. He stopped the car in front of me. He was a big bloke, older. He calmly walked over to my window and said, if it weren’t for the fact that you were a kid, I’d have kicked the fucking life out of you. He was someone with a bit of clout about him. It was from that experience that I learnt never to abuse anyone again. There aren't people teaching kids those lessons these days. You have to take responsibility for your actions. 

What do you think about death?

I've been in situations where I've thought about taking my own life. I felt suicide would be the only way out. I don't actually fear death. It could be a quick thing or it could be a really drawn out horrible thing. But at the end it would be a finite thing. 

When my father got diagnosed it was a horrible day. One of the worst days of my life. I knew not to add to his situation with my fears. I'm not going to make it into big thing. I'm going to do the opposite and accept and get on with it and do something for him. My advice is, wait til after someone has died before you breakdown because you’re no good to the person dying if you’re a mess. And, at the point where the person dies, you’ll probably find that you’re actually in a better place because you've accepted that they’ve gone and during the process, you’ve worked through it. It’s about the person dying. 

What brings you down?

Too much thought. For example - in Covid I have no work - what’s going to happen. I’ve lost all my clients. I could just keep going over that scenario. Wondering, worrying about what might or might not happen. But by the time I’ve spend all that time over thinking the scenario things will have changed. Other things happen and your attention is drawn elsewhere. 

What do you think about faith? 

I've had a few weird things happen to me in my life. I've had three or four out of body experiences. They were frightening. That changed my view of life. I lifted out of my body, went full circle and ended up in the far corner of the room to where I could see myself. I was panicking. That changed something for me.

I’ve seen lots of orbs.Things don’t move in that fashion unless there’s a purpose. Seeing those has changed my outlook on a lot of things. There is energy out there and there are things happening that we have no idea about. I'm actually quite relaxed about that.

What would you like to leave for the next generation? 

When you leave, shut the door behind you and make sure that you haven't made a mess. Take responsibility for yourself and your actions. 

How do you best express yourself? 

I'm a daydreamer. I'm one of those people that likes to be in the moment. I love that. But the moment finishes and  I have to move on. The learning process is the biggest part of it not the end product.

What do you think about doing this?

I’ve loved it. It's like a self-help by asking someone to confront their shit as well as the good things. Confronting what's going on. Like the question of death. If you're not being confronted by these things it’s brushed under the carpet and you never get to grips with anything. And if you can't get to grips with the simple stuff then you can't get to grips with the complicated shit in life. I do tend to bumble through, but this has made me think a little more about doing something a bit different.