Quite often you make things worse by overthinking it

Tom 38. Landscape Gardener. Married. Two Children. 

How are you? 

Life is busy but steady. I’ve grown to develop - what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. We’ve all been pressure and tested this last year. Somedays I have a little freak out and think - shit, I’ve got a mortgage to pay, I’ve to be a good father and I’ve got to keep my wife happy. 

How do you see yourself?

As John candy said in ‘Planes, Trains and Automobiles’, I like me, my wife likes me! I'm quite placid by nature. I’m a Libran. I'm quite balanced. It takes a lot to rile me but when I am riled, I snap. I’m ambitious. I worry sometimes what people think. I guess I shouldn’t but I do. 

What you like about yourself?

I like how accepting I am of people. I’m quite confident in my own little way. I’ve been brought up well. I’m set up for what life throws at me because I’ve had a good grounding. I was born in Muscat. My dad worked there in the 80's as an ecologist. Then we lived in Somalia for two years. I’ve always been quite worldly. I think it’s because I’ve always travelled. I’m not scared to try things. I’m up for challenges. I’m very resilient, ambitious, strong, capable and up for life. I love life. 

I never big myself up and nether does my dad. He used to go away a lot. He was head of a project in Africa. Anti-poaching was his key thing. He would count rhinos and elephants. He used to go out in the wild and trek for days. He was really hands on. He’s done so much in his life and is the most modest person in the world. I like to think I am modest too. When I first heard the question I thought shit, what do I say without sounding big-headed. 

What you think about marriage? 

I’ve always been a bit choosey with women. I’ve not had a lot of relationships, so meeting my wife was a big deal for me. I knew she was the one. I think we were together for 5 years before I proposed. She means the world to me, she’s my soulmate. When you’re in your twenties you have these ideas, expectations and pre-conceived notions. Marriage has exceeded my expectations. Dare I say - I’m almost content now. I can relax a bit now I’m married.

Marriage is great if you've marry the right person. I’ve definitely married the right person. I’m an affectionate person. I’ve come from a loving family. I've seen the model of what my parent's marriage was like, I want the same. You need to show love and admiration for your partner. We have an equal relationship. There is a good division of labour with everything. We both run our own businesses. We have to be vocal. We have to talk to each and ask each other how's it going?  It’s is quite symbiotic. I never hold anything back from her. It sounds a bit cheesy but you've got to be thankful for everything you've got. 

Marriage isn’t for everyone, it can be limiting. I totally get that. But for me, I love being married. We are a team. Life is richer for it. She's worth working hard for. Yes we piss each other off. We hug each other every day.

Where does all your energy go?

It’s all leaning towards focusing on the family. There's not a lot of time for much else. You can only do so much. I’m a bit of a perfectionist. I like to do things right. Quite often you make things worse by overthinking it.

What’s your most memorable experience?

I remember doing a sale when I was younger and regretted selling my favourite dinosaur. I got £1.50 for it which was a lot of money back then (laughs). The lady gave me a note and said do you have change, I had four 1ps! I didn't understand what change meant.

My wedding day was pretty perfect. A beautiful day, outside with all your friends. Seeing my sons eyes for the first time. It was like - I’m here now dad, it’s ok.  I want my son to be proud of me. Like I am of my dad. 

What do you think about life? 

We are having our turn aren’t we? We get on, then we get off. We are here for just a moment of time. We need to get out of our everyday cycles otherwise you can get stuck in a patterns. You have to mix it up a bit. I'm grateful for the variety I have in my life, all my jobs are varied. I'm not on social media. I don't get sucked into things. 

I walked part of the Pacific Crest Trail a couple of years ago. I felt I was recovering what those people experienced a thousand years ago. Retracing their steps. I think we have to keep going back to basics. Life’s got so complicated. It’s about simple pleasures. 

How do you feel about death?

Death is around the corner at anytime. You just have to live your life knowing it will happen when it happens. You can’t avoid it. You can't stop that conveyor belt. One day you're gonna fall in. We are all simple organisms. Organic. We will break down and become a bit of carbon. You've just got to be grateful for having a beating heart. It's amazing. 

What do you think about the weather?

I thanked the weather man in my wedding speech. One of the first ‘thank yous’ I made.  It was a lovely hot day. I think there's a lot to say for sunlight and happiness. Equally I love autumn, it’s one of my favourite seasons. I like the change in weather. I’d hate it if it were sunny all the time.

I text my mum two or three times a week, not just to tell her what I've cooked because we tell each other what we've cooked, (laughing) but we say what the weather's doing - it’s a topic of conversation. I don't know why- is it a comfort thing? The weather is an ingrained within us. It applies to everyone. It affects everybody. Mother nature is uncontrollable.

What do you think about faith? 

I have faith in myself and my family. I'm not religious. I connect with nature and that’s enough for me. I look up to the sky and say, I'm sorry about that, if I've said something bad. I don't know why I do it but I feel better for having said it. I suppose I believe in something. I’d like to think there's some weird guardian angel or something overseeing you - keeping watch. 

In my wedding speech I quoted CS Lewis. He talks about pain. His example was having a block of stone and how the sculptor carves the form of man from the stone. The blows of his chisel hurt us so much but that’s what makes us perfect. In essence he’s saying all the bad that happens to us is making us better and stronger. 

What would you like to leave for the next generation?

I'd like to give the next generation a better plan of action, a blueprint plan of how to appreciate the planet. A smarter way of living. There's too many people. There definitely needs to be more of a collective approach. I want the planet to be in a better place than it was when I came in. I want to leave a legacy. I want to give my children the best opportunity in life. There should be way more ecotourism. There are places in Mexico where all the fish stocks became depleted. The fishermen turned the habitats into nature reserves and now they have more money from ecotourism and their ecosystems have recovered. 

What do you think about doing this?

I think it's a super positive project. That initial question - how are you? I bet loads of people live their life every day and don't ever get asked that question.