Grandmas Saturday Soup would be cooking

Alex 28. Writer and Podcaster from North London 

How are you?

I am pretty much in a state of wonder. I say that because I have no idea whether I'm coming or going at this moment in time. I've been working very hard recently. I've just finished writing my first book Time to Talk and I have a podcast that airs once a week. Once my book was finished there was nothing else, I was like - what do I do now? I throw myself into more projects to keep me feeling useful. I understand it’s a toxic, masculine energy to take on ‘purpose’. I don't know how to rest. I'm trying to slow down. I'm finding it very difficult. I don't know if I'm a workaholic. I’ve been putting everything into my podcast and book because I have very few other options. I don't know whether it's because I'm an anxious person or trying to prove something. I've been trying to figure out that question.  I'm just kind of muddling through. 

Locked down has been a bit more challenging. I’ve been living back at home since I graduated in 2014. When you’re away from your parents for a long time, the relationship is different. When you’re living back under the same roof, it's difficult,  there's nothing to talk about. There’s literally nothing to say to another that hasn’t already been said.  I’m an independent person. I’m finding it mentally challenging. 

When I left uni I joined the Daily Mail as part of their  ‘Stephen Lawrence Scholarship Training scheme’. A scheme for training minority & ethnic people, but they really meant was -  black. I hated it. The energy was oppressing. I was a young black man in a predominantly white industry. I had nothing in common with a lot of my colleagues and their experiences, and they had no time for me. I had a lot of questions that they didn't have the answers to. It became a well of toxicity. I was young.  If I was older, I’d have had a different perspective. I didn't know enough. If I was working on the paper now I know exactly what kind of stories I’d want to report on. I’d know what tone the paper has and the stories they want to cover. I’d just do my job and leave. But I had all of these ideals, I thought a lot more of it than it actually was. It became a struggle for me. That’s when I had my first panic attack . 

I had to do way too much for little recognition. I felt alienated. I was jumping through hoops to get nowhere. I didn't like reporting about other people's lives although I loved doing interviews. When I got a real human story, it had impact. That’s what I’m passionate about. It’s no surprise that I do my podcast now.

How do you see yourself?

I'm in therapy. I’m not perfect. I make mistakes. A previous version of myself would lambaste myself for making mistakes. I've grown and taken time to care for myself I've come to understand that compassion is something I need to give myself. I'm very compassionate for other people. I want to help and support as many people as I can but when you can't do that for yourself, what does it all mean? 

My dad was very big on us having hobbies. ‘You have a hobby, you set yourself up for life’. I used to do all sorts of creative things. I used to do performing arts, act, dance, sing. I used to play the piano. I got to grade 4 piano and stopped. I got to grade 3 saxophone and stopped. I got to competitive swimming level and stopped. I did lifesaving and stopped, martial arts and stopped. I stop doing things! Do you like you? I am getting there. It’s revolutionary because there were times where I didn’t even understand what that meant. There are parts of me I haven't explored yet. I'm trying to figure out how to create space for myself so I can do this. 

A lot of it has to do with the physical space around me. I spend most of my time in my bedroom, the room I grew up in. I would like to move away from home now. My day usually starts by 6.30. I write for half an hour. Then shower. Then write again from seven to eight. Writing is a skill that needs to be strengthened. I read. Meditate and get my thoughts out. I don't understand a life that isn't a disciplined one. I have to be disciplined but there’s a point where the discipline consumes me. 

How do you think other people see you?

You’ve caught me at an age and phase of transition. I use to care how people saw me. What did they think? Was I caring? strong? talented? I’m an advocate for compassion and compassionate thinking but there are days when I'm not very compassionate. I'm not trying to present myself as a perfect person. I'm not trying to be Oprah. 

I used to want to be seen as interesting to everybody, now I’m like - if you like what I do, great. How people see me is not my is not problem. To be honest, I’m just trying to just be a decent, good, wholeheartedly compassionate person. I'm not trying to be a hero. Maybe I’m trying to save myself. 

What do you think about marriage?

I go back and forth on this question? I think romantically marriage is the most beautiful thing that anybody could do to be with that person for as long as time allows. Marriage is a construct, a sociological experiment that doesn't benefit women at all. The jury is still out for me on marriage. I have no answer. If I get married, I'm getting married once and once only. Whatever happens, if there is a divorce, I'm unlikely to marry again. 

If I were to get married I’d want to sit down and talk about what it’s going to take to make it work? What about the give and take? What are we going to work on before we reach a stage where we can say marriage is something we are ready to do? Marriage would have to make sense to me. We would be a team. Me and you working together for the common objective - happiness. 

My parents have been together for almost 30 years. They’re not married. When I was in primary school I was very aware of the fact that my parents weren't married. I remember a boy and I talking about my parents not being married. We were about 8 at the time. He said - ‘What are they’? It was an awkward revelation to me that they were different. I wondered if it was strange and why weren’t my parents married? 

What are your dreams? 

If I had a magic wand I’d want to open a hospital in the West Indies. A mental health drop-in centre where people go to heal. Nobody should be homeless and not have access to education. Everyone should have food and health care. It boggles the mind that we can’t achieve it. I’d clear world debt too and start again.

I just want there to be equity in the world. Let's actually make humanity something people want to embark upon. Conversations to go something like this - “Fellow human - where are you from?”. Not. Oh, I don't trust this person because of the colour of their skin, their sexuality, their religion. It doesn't make sense to me. We are meant to be stewards of the earth but we're not treating the earth the way we are supposed to. It is down to patriarchal mindsets. The world is run by men. We shouldn't need Comic Relief, Sports Relief, Water Aid. It’s sad. I like having these kinds of conversations because they inspire me with hope.

What's your most memorable experience to date? 

Saturdays at my Grandmas house and particularly when my granddad was alive. We used to drive up from London on Saturdays to their house, which was in a village on the outskirts of Leicester. My cousins would be there with my aunties and uncles. It was all about  family and conversations. I remember them singing. There was always something to eat. 

Grandma’s ‘Saturday Soup’ would be cooking.  You could smell it. My Nan’s soup was the elite soup. My dad used to call it the ‘premier league’ soup.  Boiled broth with dumplings, yams, Cho Cho, plantain, boiled banana and sweet potato and goat. She would make a huge pot of soup for everybody. Over time she taught us all individually how to make it. 

At Christmas she would make ‘Christmas Breakfast’ which was roasted breadfruit, akki and salt fish, boiled or fried dumplings and chocolate tea, made from cocoa powder, Nestle’s condensed milk, nutmeg and spices. We’d drink chocolate tea on Christmas morning then go to church for a few hours.

What do you think about life? 

I'm big on ‘souls’ and the understanding of what ‘soul work’ means. I find it hard to believe that some people don't believe in that. I lived with somebody in my final year of uni who was very dismissive of anything that wasn't pragmatic. It taught me a lot about the way people navigate life. It also taught me how much he suffered for it too. 

My understanding has always been that there is something wider than ourselves. When we start to consider a wider perception, the life question becomes grander. Life becomes more manageable because there’s more room to breathe. I could see him suffocating a lot. I could see him struggling to come to terms with ‘self’ and the realities of where we were all heading -  into adulthood. He had to figure out what life was and that was combative for him. When we had discussions he would say: ’This can't be right’ or ‘that's wrong’. Someone had to be wrong and somebody had to be right.

There is no right or wrong. People believe differently and therefore experience life differently. It's the rigidity of masculinity. Masculinity by its nature is a rigid form of ideology. Masculinity looks at straight lines, not squiggles. If we look at most buildings made over the last few centuries they’re all; up, boxed and crossed. It's rigidity. There’s no grey area. When you start to add in ‘what ifs’, colour and fluidity then you start to move in different ways. When you start to feel, you start to express. Then you start to change and become malleable. That is understood as feminine energy.  

I once read that feminine energy is the river and masculinity energy is the river bed. One contains and allows the other to flow in the way that it's supposed to. Men inhabit the rigidity of the masculine mindset, it's what they can control. It's what they understand. They're taught to understand, strengthen, be strong and stand firm and women can do the dancing and singing!

I think as we head into a more spiritually focused society the reign of the patriarchal society is slowly coming to a very welcome end. There shouldn't be dominance. We are so fractured and broken. I don’t think we ever get to the root of anything. We have bold demonstrations of justice but justice never gets served.

I felt like we’ve been led by masculine groups for so long and the only answer is violence. I'm not saying that women are passive, I’m just saying that violence has had its place. Time moves forward and things that were acceptable are no longer. In 50 or 60 years things we see now probably won't be the norm then. Change happens. 

What do you think about death? 

Death is a give and take. My understanding is - when someone dies naturally, a new baby is born. Death is hard. You're never going to see that person again. We’ve built attachments. It's a human reality that we are all going to die. Our conversations will be a memory and will be in memoriam. I'm reading John Steinbeck and he's dead, he still feels very much alive to me. My grandma passed away last year. I have a picture of her, she doesn't feel like she's gone. 

When it comes to death it's about acceptance. When you see how many people have gone before you, you realise you’re not alone. When you die you enter into the realm of ancestor-ship. My parents have had to have their stories in order to understand life, as did my grandparents and so on. They understood what it meant to be young and what it meant to be old and lose people. We are here to help and guide the ones coming up after us.

In the Lion King, Mufasa is trying to explain to Simba about death and the circle of life. I love that idea. You're born from the ground and you end up in the ground. When it comes to death, I think it's more of a question of how you lived.

What brings you down?

Hatred and lack of compassion. Resentment brings me down. I've had experiences where I've hated people and it was not good for my heart. It made me feel bad. Hatred doesn't make sense. You can't  hate people without really knowing who they are. You hate an idea, a perception. We are all just balls of emotion. Hatred is usually a misunderstanding. 

What do you think about faith? 

It’s necessary. I think you do need to believe in something. It allows you to breathe. 

How do you best express yourself?

I think my expression comes through best when I'm writing and through my podcast. 

What do you think about doing this? 

I think that this has been the best few hours I have had in a long time and it was a beautiful way to end my year so thank you Sam. (You’re welcome) I think these are questions that I'm always pondering but don’t necessarily having the space to verbalise. We have a thousand thoughts a minute. Think of all of the things we lock away in our minds. Everything we do is a decision. It’s can become a bit crowded in there.