Some people latch on and suck the life force out of you

Mark 53. From Manchester. Teacher. Married. Diorama - ist!

How are you? 

If somebody mentions 2020 it will be remembered for one major thing - COVID-19, the world has gone bonkers. We will equate 2020 with adaptability, resilience and adaptability - a kind of coping. Covid has given everybody a big shock, a reminder of how fragile we all are. 

There's a painting I often make reference to; it's called the ‘Ambassadors’ by Holbein. It’s a scene of two merchants stood by a table having gathered all worldly knowledge, but in the corner is a skull painted on a slant, a reminder of the fragility of where we are and what we actually know.

How do you see yourself?  

I’ve always seen myself as a pragmatic person. I’ve been a teacher for 30 odd years. I don't think I'm the best teacher but I certainly know I'm not the worst. That’s how I see myself. 

I think men do feel pressure to be the breadwinner. I felt pressure to provide. I know my dad had a problem coping with that. He had a position of responsibility within the community, he was a pharmacist. He was very bright person but he wasn’t happy. He didn’t have that cut off point. The pressure of responsibility, he found very difficult to divorce himself from work and family life. That created a lot of frustration.

How do you think other people see you?

You’d be a fool in life to think everybody will like you! 

What do you like about yourself? 

I'm a relatively stable human being with a good moral radar. I've never had that killer desire to trample on people to get to where I want but I won't be mugged over either. 

One thing I decided a long time ago is to avoid people who moan and are full of negativity. It just fucking draining. I know someone who I can sit down with for a couple of hours, have a conversation and it leads nowhere. I refuse not to have those conversations anymore. He told me I was rude - I’m not, I’m just honest. Some people latch on and suck the life force out of you. I don’t see my actions as selfish. It's a choice to un plug. I don’t want to spend time labouring under a false intent. It’s not about being a shit, it’s just saying - this is going nowhere, so why am I bothering?

What do you think about marriage? 

A work mate was telling me that his parents who are in their 70’s, were thinking about getting divorce. I was like; ‘well, that's just fucking ridiculous’. Why would you, at 70 think about getting divorced? You've got stability, you know each other. What grass could possibly be greener other than, you’re a fantasist or a dreamer?

I’ve been married for 24 years. Marriage is not sticking together for the sake of it, it’s working things through. If I look at my extended family and see the happiness level and the split ups, I say to my wife - ‘we ain't doing that bad’. I'm still in love, but now there’s a respect each other. There's always peaks and troughs.

Where does all your energy go?

Getting through the day at this stage of life. I’ve found as I've got older I get tired a lot more. I need to recuperate more. I find myself at the end of a week, sitting down with a whiskey and falling asleep watching the telly. 

Every Sunday afternoon we have lunch with my mother-in-law. She's a fantastic woman. A real matriarchal figure. She's 80. We go to her house or she’ll come to ours. We have a typical Sunday roast together and pudding with custard. You’ve got to hold onto somethings haven’t ya? Usually some other women relatives come round. They all sit round chatting and I'll nod off. That’s how rock and roll I am these days! 

From a work point of view I think about my relevance as a teacher and what I've got to offer to a young person now. The students at the University I teach in seem less resilient these days. Maybe it’s to do with all the apparent psychological problems but the divide is getting bigger and bigger. There’s a lot of overthinking but not thinking.

Young people should have ambition and energy, not apathy. They should want something to happen. What I'm seeing is young people appear more exhausted and my tolerance to deal with that is hard. I can't be doing with apathy. One of my sayings is ‘be good, be bad, but don't be indifferent’. Older people should be offering advice and wisdom. That's what we bring to the mix. Young people should be about ambition and energy. My ability to handle and learn new things is becoming harder and harder. 

What are your dreams? 

If I had an opportunity I would be doing something creative where I can be my own manager. I’m really good at mending things and looking at the detail in craft. (He shows me a Diorama he’s made. To you and me its a model village kind of thing but the official definition is: three-dimensional, full-size replica or scale model of a landscape, nature scenes or cityscapes, for purposes of education or entertainment). I’m hooked! Check these out…  http://www.hyperscale.com/what's.htm  - this is my fave:- https://www.kingswaymodels.co.uk/about 

Obviously I ask him if he likes ‘The Repair Shop’ on the telly? ‘I love it. That’s it for me. I’ll let you into my little  secret’…  he opens the cupboard behind him - its full of dioramas!  He shows me his latest purchase. It’s a 1:12 scale 1976 Porsche. It’s huge. It cost £160 and was pre ordered from Japan -  a collectors item. I’ll probably never build it he says, but it takes me back to my childhood. When you used to go into a toy shop and there, on the top shelf was something big, expensive and inaccessible - I think this is one of those purchases. It’s like going back in time.

Building and making these models can be very time consuming. It’s meant to be a hobby but it takes you to a different place. Everybody needs to find that release. It’s my Christmas present to me. I wont build the Porsche, it’s just an investment piece. 

One thing I do as a teacher is get my students to build plastic models and work as a team. If something doesn’t fit together, what do you do about it? We live in a world where everything is finalised and finished. Kids are used to buying into Disney or playing games that are finished. That’s death of imagination. Crafts fuel our imagination and problem solving capabilities.

What’s your most memorable experience? 

A long time ago I was walking out one summer evening with my friend. She told me she wanted to go out with this lad, I was really pissed. I was a bit hurt to be honest. I’d always fancied her. Did you ever tell her how you felt? No! Life is made up of moments, things that should have been said, but you never do -  then you always wonder. Not regret - just wonder.

What do you think about life? 

An old headmaster of mine once said about life: ‘When you have a meal, you have vegetables, meat, maybe carrots. You have a variety, a good mix of everything. You don't have your life time supply of carrots all at once. It's about sampling different things and balance’. I've always thought in metaphors and that visual interpretation has always stuck with me. 

I’ve learned there are three things in life that get things done: First it's about creating a narrative with somebody, having a common goal. Having that commonality goes across everything; marriage, friendships etc. The second is trust. Trust isn’t something that can’t be demanded, it’s one of those things you've built over a long period of time and can very quickly destroyed. The third thing is quite simply a sense of humour. 

What do you think about death? 

I was about 12 when my dad took his own life I learned a lot from that. I felt some empathy towards him because he must have had his reasons and it wasn't the first time he tried. He was kind of a tortured soul. A very intelligent, charming and talented man. I came back from school one day and mum said -  your dad's passed away! I don’t think I got upset which  sounds quite harsh. I didn't hate him for doing it. I just lost a little bit of respect. Time passed. Another year came and went. 

You can't deal with your emotions when you’re young. Some people can’t deal with them for the rest of their lives. You mature as you get older, you’re more reflective.

What do you think about faith?

We’ve all got a moral radar and compass. It’s connectivity that we've lost. I think there's something. I think karma exists. I believe something will catch up with you over time if you're not appropriate. Payback seems to happen in the end. 

What you'd like to leave for the next generation?

In a non conceited way I’ve helped a few people make something of their lives. What makes a good teacher? Giving a shit, somebody who listens. Listening is important - you pick up a lot of things when you listen. We’ve lost that ability.

People can tell whether somebody’s interested in them. It's as simple as that. When you’re young you’re extremely vulnerable to other peoples opinions. We live in an age where everything contradicts itself. Compassion and understanding are seen as key things but underlining everything is a hard, demanding environment that expects people to comply. Life is about finding your own space and balance within that.

Students are in a cycle of discovery with themselves, with their own sexuality, their own mental health and other issues surrounding them. They are developing as people. I think it's important to understand and give them a platform where they can be honest. 

Learning isn’t just about academics, it's about instilling a philosophy. Teaching is about taking something complex and being creative with it. It's about communicating. Not about relaying facts but  creating stories that engage people. Storytelling is essential to everything. Everybody likes stories.

What do you think about doing this? 

I think people should have more conversations. Conversation's are good. We live in a world where people are losing sensory control. When we first started off in Lockdown, Universities thought it was marvellous and we'd be moving into the world of online teaching. We’d get rid of buildings and facilities but in reality people want conversations. I think some people see it as extravagance, to afford the time to have conversations. Stories are everything.