Men need to feel good about themselves too

Alex 40. From Greece. Lives in Barcelona. Married. One child. Swimming coordinator

How are you? 

I'm just trying to get through the day. We had a pretty hard time during the first wave of COVID. We were practically locked down in our flat for three months with our three year old. It was absolutely dreadful. I had fights with my wife. We were in a very bad state. It took us a while to recover. Even when things got a little more flexible she still didn’t want to go out. My wife was very scared.

I moved here from Italy where I had a great job. Before then I lived in London and before that the States. The first two years living here my spirit wasn’t here. I was always tired. I was influenced by London and the US. I was expecting to find life similar here but it's a completely different country, different people and a different mentality. I struggled to cope at the beginning. Thankfully my spirit is coming back.

I am happy to be living in Spain. The life style matches my standard but financially it’s difficult. Last year I was very close to getting a new job but it didn’t happen. 

How do you see yourself? 

I’ve just started the fourth decade of my life. I now have clarity of what I want and what I don’t. I don't want to do my job for another 10 years. I am constantly looking for a change of career. I am trying to become a physical therapist. Do you feel under appreciated with the skills and talents that you have? Yes, but that's my problem.

How do you think other people see you?

I work in a posh area of Barcelona. People here are very demanding. You need to tell them what they want to hear. I think they see me as a cute foreigner that speaks good English and Spanish and knows what he's doing. They respect me. 

What do you like about yourself?

If we were having this conversation six months ago, I’d tell you I didn’t like myself. Everything was going wrong. I hated everything about myself. Now I realise I'm a pretty easy going person and am able to adapt to different circumstances. 

My crisis lasted about 18 months. I was in a bad situation with my wife. There was a lot of screaming and arguing. I was pissed. It wasn’t a pleasant environment at all. There was a massive burden of responsibility. I didn't have the experience to deal with what’s happening. Nobody tells you what to do - you have to figure things out by yourself.

There is a lot of self searching.  Understanding how to cope with my partner, especially after she had our child. In the beginning she turned into a completely different person. Men need attention. I tell my wife; guys need attention. Having the attention shift away from you is difficult. Men need to feel good about themselves too. A lot of men get into a tunnel. There’s a lot of expectations. I'm not going to blame it on the women but they're expecting you to be a good dad, bring money home, taking care of the kid. This is expected of fathers. Can you deliver all that? Some people don't have the capacity to do that. I was trying to find my place within our family circle. I didn't know what to do. We had some very difficult times. There were weeks where we were talking about divorce. The situation was unbearable. Men don’t seek help. 

How did it change? Talking. It's good to talk to people. Some of my friends were experiencing the exact same thing. Some got divorced. You need someone to lean on. Sometimes you are lost in the forest and you're with the one person that is lost too. You’re asking them the way and they don’t know either. You’re pulling in different directions. It’s good to have a common road. Sometimes it’s not possible. Things don’t always go to plan. I didn't change what I was doing but I observed myself and became more positive. I had faith that things would get better between us. I was more attentive to her. 

You need to learn how to react to different situations. Exercise helps. Maybe professional advice too. You need support. If you're alone you can die a little everyday just by thinking. You need to distress. Everything is reversible. 

What do you think about marriage?

We have been married six years but together for 14. We should have got married many years before but it was never the right time or situation. We were sure about it from the beginning of our relationship. 

We can’t be so Bohemian and go with the flow anymore. Things change, there are expectations. The modern world requires that you have a house, a car and everything is set up. So far I don't have everything set up but I'm still here. Is the ‘set up’ that important? We must focus on what we're good at and try to enjoy our daily activities rather than planning what we might like to enjoy. 

During lockdown I’ve learned a lot of things about myself and the importance of things you desire. At the end of the day what do you desire? I'd rather have this conversation with you than go shopping or getting involved in social media. Social media is absolutely horrible. We need to evolve. When we get back to our ‘normal’ lives again, we should adapt to a new reality. 

What's your most memorable experience?

I remember when my grandmother wanted to see me. She wasn’t well. I flew back to Greece and within five minutes of me arriving, she smiled and passed away. She was waiting for me. She was like a mother to me. My grandparents brought me up. 

What do you think about life? 

We are meant to be here. Life is your own pathway so you need to make each minute count. Enjoy small activities. Enjoy people. Be grateful for whatever you have around you. Try to contribute and help others if you can. Learn on a daily basis.

I think there is something more than us out there. Is it God? Is it some sort of a spirit? Is it Jesus? Buddha? Mohammad? Nature? There are somethings we cannot explain. Each one of us is born with a code, our DNA and it has capacity to evolve. Your environment affects it. I think it's very important to experience  different things in life and learn how to deal with them. That’s how you evolve. To be able to think outside the box and to be in an environment where it’s not so straightforward. 

What brings you down?

At the end of the month when my pay check arrives and there’s nothing left. 

What's your views on faith? 

You need to believe in order to achieve. I have faith in me. You need to have a strong mindset in order to change things around you. If I can change my mindset I can change anything. Forget what you’ve experienced before - don’t hold onto things. Find little pleasures.

What would you like to leave for the next generation?

A better world. A more peaceful world. Less competitiveness and less inequalities between people. 

What do you think about doing this? 

I have enjoy it. It felt relaxing. In Greece I have this kind of conversations with my friends. Most people don't have it. As people we think a lot. There’s not much time to express your emotions. People are busy, they don't have time to listen. We should make time. Everything can become a drama and snowball. At times it’s like watching a soap opera.