In my head I have been Peter Gabriel all my life

Jonathan 60. Widower. Musician. Retired Dad of 3. 

How are you? 

Hungover. I’ve floated here to see you! 

I always appear to be full of life and vim but deep down I’m probably full of angst and misery. I’ve always been like that. I think turning 60 gives you opportunities - a free bus pass! It’s fantastic. Turning 60 is a watershed. You get a bowel screening kit through the post. That’s a timely reminder of getting older. I’ve just sent my sample off! I could let the waiting worry me but I wont. My best friend wont do the test, neither will another friend. A lot of people don’t take it seriously. I got a letter form the Royal Marsden too. Asking (at my age) if I’d like to take part in a prostate cancer screening. Society tells you you’re old, irrelevant of how you feel. 

How do you see yourself? 

In my head I have been Peter Gabriel all my life. I’ve always enjoyed being the guy sitting at the piano. I sat slavishly learning songs. I never had any intentions of doing it for a living. I don’t do too much. I see myself as less exciting and active than I am seen. I’m actually quite lazy. I give myself things to do. I don’t have any ambition. I’m not a guy that starts things. I’m not exactly pushing back the frontiers in my life. I try to be as giving as I can be. As a spirit I am pretty welcoming.

I have Tourettes and OCD and it’s ruled my life. It’s a terrible thing - it doesn’t matter how clever you are - I can’t concentrate for long.  As a result of having it I’m a very chatty and friendly person. I think I over-compensate.  I don’t like having Tourettes but it’s part of me.

How do you think other people see you?

People say to me - ‘You are as kind to yourself as anyone I know’. I treat myself because I deserve it and ‘I’m worth it’!

What do you think about marriage? 

People will always want to live together. Marriage leaves me cold. If my children don’t get married it wouldn’t bother me one little bit. My marriage was cut short. I have no idea if I would still be with my wife had she lived but I’m sure we’d have given ourselves the best shot. Get married if you like institutions. The idea of getting married in order to have a great big wedding is daft! 

What do you think about children? 

Did you want children? No! I never wanted to get married or have children. My wife was the planner. She planned everything and I didn’t even realise. She was so powerful. She was amazing. I relented. It was transformative having kids. I never shirked my responsibilities. It was amazing from the beginning and I’m so glad I have my kids.

When my wife became ill I had to rely on other people. How did I know my wife was going to die and the endowment would pay off the mortgage? Soon after I was made redundant, I went to an outplacement, they asked me what I wanted to do. I said - ‘Do I have to go back to work and be this person that apparently I am, but I’m not?’. The decision not to work was not very hard to make. To stay at home and look after my children. If I hadn’t had money in the bank when I was kicked out of my job I could not be doing the role of ‘mum at school gates’. There are loads of blokes who don’t work. I was there for my kids - I will say that. I ought to be proud of myself. 

Where does all your energy go?

Part of  my energy goes into the fact that I am a terrible sleeper. I compensate by having a snooze at 3pm. I run most days. It gets rid of a lot of stuff and I get a physical feeling of wellbeing. I don’t drive anywhere. I walk to the supermarket, I do all my own cleaning, I play tennis. 

What’s your most memorable experience to date? 

Having sex for the first time was quite significant. When I found out I got a first class degree from Oxford. The birth of my first child. I wasn’t there when my wife died but someone being born and someone dying is very memorable. 

What do you think about life? 

We are here purely randomly. We don’t choose our parents, it’s an accident of birth. I don’t think we are here to propagate or have a higher purpose. I think it’s the same as being an ant. My role is to continue to breathe, live and not to upset anyone. Satisfy my inevitable course to death without being too bored. I feel that as far as I’m concerned I have a responsibility to my children, my friends and my family. I don’t see there is a goal. I don’t think we are here to do anything grandiose. 

I don't ever question if there is a god or not because I’m sure there isn’t. I despise a lot of what religion has done but I also admire a lot of good stuff religion has done too: churches and the music. I hope I haven’t poisoned my children’s mind by telling them there is no god. 

What do you think about death?

I don’t fear death because I don’t feel there is anything after death. I might as well do something today as I might not be here tomorrow. I fear pain. The pain of cancer - especially as my wife died from it. She was very afraid after having radiotherapy. She went up into the attic to sleep. She would sob night after night - working through it. Our brushes with death are going to get more and more. I don’t think I’m anymore special than anyone else. I don’t think I deserve any more than anyone else. I fear dying but I don’t fear death.  

How do you best express yourself?

Sitting at a piano singing. It brings out the best in me. There’s genuine emotion. It makes people feel something. I’m concerned with how things sound. Actually I care more about how things sound than the way they look. I am fascinated by smells. Curiosity manifests in different ways. I don’t want to be an expert. I’m not that curious, I don’t need to know how stuff works. I don’t care. That’s enough for me. 

What have you taken from today? 

I’ve enjoyed it. It feels like a therapy session with someone I know. Very introspective considering there is going to be an output. It’s important to ask all the people the same questions.