I wonder how it's going to happen and when will it be? I don't want it to hurt

Kevin 61. Retired headteacher. Single. From New Zealand

How are you? 

I’ve always lived alone and have always been fairly lonely and I cant figure out why. I have good friends. I think it’s just my nature. I accept that’s what I’m like. I’d like to have a relationship but I think it would do my head it. I don't have that anchoring. I worry I don't feel I've got roots. I’m lonely but content.

How do you see yourself? 

I’m not sure I see myself as other people see me. I am always surprised why people want to be my friend. I don't see myself in a bad light but if I look in the mirror I think, who the fuck is that? My issue is my physical appearance. I would say I'm too fat and too old. I’m a bit OCD too.

With food, I will eat the same meal five or six times in a row, if not more. It's that kind of thing I become obsessed with. I walk a lot, I think it’s so I can have certain foods and not feel bad about what I'm eating - I hadn’t thought about it that way. I love food. Corn on the cob is an ultimate for me. Rock salt and hard butter. And then if it drips and falls off, I get another piece and put it on. Cold toast hard butter, now comes the weird bit - marmite, avocado and rock salt. I’d rather eat the fat from the lamb than the actual meat. My favourite thing was when Mum did a roast lamb. I’d always suck the marrow out of the bone. My parents never said they loved us but we knew they did because we could have anything we wanted - food wise. Our freezer would be packed with biscuits and we were allowed to have them whenever we wanted. I think it was excessive but that’s what I associate my parents' affection with - food.

How do you think other people see you?

I have no idea and that’s my honest answer. I'm not sure what it is they see. My first headmaster said - I can take you anywhere, to any event, you just fit in. I was like - really? Meeting new people terrifies me! Someone once said to me at a dinner party; “Kevin is the most ordinary person I've ever met”. I was devastated. I was a fish out of water in the company we were in. Why would you say something like that? He was just nasty.

What do you like about yourself? 

I'm actually a good teacher. I think kids like the that I’m upfront and honest. You can't fake it with kids. They see straight through you. If you're having a bad hair day and you tell them you’re in a foul mood, they leave you alone. They like that kind of honesty. When I became headteacher I had to sit in an office and play God. I think that’s why I retired early.

What do you think about marriage? 

I think from my parents generation it was like a Holy Grail. That’s what you did in order to have a family and it would be odd if you didn’t. There's got to be another version. I think it’s irrelevant to how relationships are. I think financially partnerships and civil partnerships have to be there to secure people’s livelihoods. I think the concept of marriage, the wedding and all the big money spent is completely outdated but some people like something that makes them feel secure. It's not relevant anymore.

Sidetracking a moment - this whole racism and The Black Lives Matter issue that’s going on -  we are all institutionally racist, including the black community. It’s not going to go away. Even black communities have taught their children things which have kept racism going. It takes a long time to eradicate things that we don't even realise are there. When people started pulling down all the statutes; yes, there are inappropriate people that are up on pedestals, however, what worries me is, it's too reactionary. It's in that instant, then it stops. Nothing happens, and nothing happens, and nothing happens - then there'll be another one of these moments. We need to keep working at change gradually, getting to a point where it’s permanent. It’s the same with marriage, all those generations have kept it going. It's weakened slowly but it's going to take forever for big changes to happen.  

What do think about children?

What I love about children is they say what they really think. Once we've become adults, people are conditioned to say what people think they should say. The thing I like about kids is that they will never say - ‘Oh, I can't do that’. Their willingness to have a go. The education system is too restricting. I’ve always taught art and music because I love them. How many male teachers do you know in primary schools? Most male teachers won't teach in primary school because it hasn't got the status and they think they can't climb the career ladder. That's crap. Most kids need male role models and they don't get it simply because men have been told that teaching in primary schools is socially not acceptable.

Where does all your energy go?

Daydreaming. There’s a space around the corner from where I live. I’ve had my eye on the plot for a while. I spend a lot of time imagining building my house. I know what kind of windows it has. I know what the entrance hall looks like. I know where every piece of art is placed. You come through the entrance and step down into the sitting room. The bedroom goes off over there. The dining room’s behind a concrete pillar. The kitchen’s over there. I visit my house every night (in my head) I change it slightly. Tweaks here and there. I'm living in a house, in my head!

My favourite place is the ‘Barcelona Pavilion’, deigned by Mies van der Rohe in 1929. It’s not practical. It's held up inside by pillars in high gloss aluminium. It is exquisite. 

What do you think about life? 

Both my parents had very difficult childhoods. My mum was one of six kids and when my grandfather came back from the war he was shell shocked. He became an alcoholic and a gambler so the church supported my Nana and her children. Equally, my father’s father was abusive so my dad found support in the church too. I was brought up very religiously, indoctrinated. It was almost a cult. We were encouraged to have friends within our church and not outside. Between Christmas and New Year, all the religious people would drive to Auckland to a camp site. We’d have meetings every day for ten days solid. There were different tents: The main tent, a youth tent, a primary tent and the kindergarten tent. At the end of the whole event, everyone would congregate in the main tent and the Deacons would walk down the aisle with big blankets and people would throw money into it. My parents paid a tenth of their wages every year to the church. Early life was a bit old, although I didn't think it was unusual I didn’t know any different.

How do you feel about death? 

It scares the shit out of me. I avoid talking about it. I don't want to live ’til I’m 90. I have an issue with breathing. If I've got a cold I can't breathe naturally. I have a phobia about that. I've seen my mother with tubes up her nose and down her throat and she couldn't cope with that. That gag reflex and the look of terror on her face. I'm not afraid of death, I’m afraid of the process of getting there. I wonder how it's going to happen and when will it be? I don't want it to hurt.  

What brings you down? 

I'm a down person anyway. I'll have real big dips and I’ve learned to know when they are coming. I will literally close the curtains for two or three days and then I'll be fine. I think it's more chemical than anything else, I suppose it’s because I've got an addictive personality.

Once I was given acid without me knowing. I had a very bad experience the whole night. The guys who sold me the drugs lived in a tower block and had a boa constrictor as a pet. I was happier to stay in the flat with their snake than get in the lift because I was convinced the lift was on the outside of the building and was going to fall off. They had to drag me into it and hold to me til I got out.

I got in a taxi and it felt like the street lamps and signs were lowering themselves into the cab. The lights down in the Tube made me lean up against the wall and when the Tube came I had to take a run up because I thought the gap between the platform and the train was too big. It carried on into the next day. I had the most amazing dreams of being inside a 3D cathedral, suspended up in the dome with all this wonderful music playing. It was quite extraordinary. 

How do you best express yourself? 

I’d love a piano. If I could play the piano but knew no one was listening. The most euphoric moments for me are playing hymns because that's the moment when I can express emotion. When I was at college, I’d get up in the night, go into the chapel and play. Music will tip me over the edge. It could be a few simple notes into a song and I'll lose it. I think that’s the part of religion that’s had the biggest impact. 

What have you taken from doing this today?

I think it's really interesting that we don't ever stop and think about things. I'm not sure I would have connected everything but it’s so obvious now. It's the things you don't think about because you don't do this kind of thing on your own. You don't allow yourself the time to do that. What’s also interesting is, your shed. I'm not sure you'd get the same conversation if we were sat in your house. As I look back at your house from the garden, that’s where the real life is. This is not real life.