Disney made me believe when you get married you're going to be happy forever after

Ernesto 41. Entrepreneur from Venezuela. 

How has the pandemic affected you? 

It’s been like witnessing history. Watching the world in lockdown. I was fascinated by the whole thing but I never felt panicked. It has been a great time. I always dreamt of a moment where I could take time out and not go anywhere. Just stay at home to tidy cupboards and enjoy my home. I never have time to be here and just enjoy it. It's been fantastic. And more importantly, it’s been great for some reflection. I’ve been doing lots of introspection. Asking myself questions like  - What am I doing with my life? Where am I going? I was writing  a book that I put in a drawer years ago, now I'm considering taking it out and finishing it.

How are you? 

I'm really well, full of energy. I've been a bit overwhelmed with so many thoughts in my head recently. I’m being incredibly focused on the new things that I want to get going and achieve. In a way I'm excited but at the same time I feel a little uncertain about how those things are going to go. I wish I could see three months into the future. 

How do you see yourself? 

I always thought of myself as a philosopher, questioning life. I think it's a great skill to examine life. I see my life as creative. I see my work as creative. Creating a business is a form of creative expression. Being able to create change in people and have deep conversations with people. Helping them to have insights. I see myself as an enabler for others to help them discover their own capabilities and to inspire them. My biggest challenge at the moment as a leader, is how to get people to do things with passion, with the best of themselves, because it's important to them, because they want to, because they love it. I’m in awe. I marvel at humanity. I think life is wonderful. It's so precious. I see myself as a human being who is here determined to learn, to evolve and over come my short comings. 

I get to know myself more and more every day. I’m convinced the more I know myself the more I know others and the world. In all honesty I’m obsessed by it all. I will always put the learning before money, holidays or going out to a party.

How do you think other people see you? 

I don't know. That's a funny question. I guess it depends on who you ask. People might describe me as entrepreneurial, very determined, a go getter, very intelligent, a bit of a softie, stubborn and sometimes impatient. A high flyer, a big achiever, sensitive. A leader. Serious! I can take things too seriously. A few people have described me as an iron fist with a velvet glove. I’ve been told that twice. I like it because I know I’m quite forceful if I want something to happen but I also have that human touch. I have a way of getting into people's heads to make them do something because they want to do it not because they have to. 

What do you think about marriage?

For me, marriage is a tinted word. It's the same feeling I have about the church and God. It’s spoiled. It has a lot of stuff around it that’s not accurate. Because of the life I've had and the disruptions growing up I know myself very well. I like change. I change jobs every two years. I changed friends regularly, it’s my way. My mind needs to be simulated with new things, ideas and people, so I move on. That has been the same in the past with my loving relationships. Marriage is terrifying. It feels like I'm locking myself into something with bigger connotations. I’m afraid of commitment and am very aware of that.

From what I've observed I see marriages that are not happy. Disney made me believe when you get married you're going to be happy ‘forever after’. I thought I would meet somebody, fall in love and it would mean the world to me and would never change. I would give my life for them and that feeling would be a constant. I've discovered that’s not the case. I believe in strong, profound, vulnerable, solid relationships, but marriage is a structure that can be corrupted. 

There is a stage in relationships where there’s lots of chemicals going on. There’s the physical attraction, the lust, then getting to know the person and then, things change. My longest relationship is just three a half years, I don't have the experience to know about long term relationships but I'm learning that the word marriage scares me.

What do you think about children? 

Do you want children?  I don't think I want them. I liked them very much. I reflected on the childhood I had and the difficulties I went through. The importance of the roles of father, mother, carers, parents and the education children need. I'm not sure I'm generous enough to give so much of my time to children. I'm too selfish.

Where does all your energy go? 

Mostly work. I'm a workaholic. Sometimes I put work well before my relationships. I don't know why that is, but my mind is constantly ticking. Most of the time work doesn't feel like work. It makes me feel alive and that's how I get my fulfilment. Work makes me happy. It makes me feel useful. It makes me feel that I'm making the best of my skills. I’m learning, I’m producing, I’m creating. 

My partner’s idea of a great weekend away is that I leave my mobile and laptop behind and I sit with him and do nothing. I have had anxiety attacks trying to do that. For me, there's nothing more challenging than feeling I'm not doing anything. It's not fear of being alone because I am happy with introspection and meditation. I'm the sort of person who gets out of the bed at 6 am on a Sunday straight into reading a book or listening to a podcast, doing stuff in the garden. I need to accomplish things. I relax whilst I’m doing things!

I once went on a silent retreat. I thought that's what I needed because my mind wouldn't stop. I’m an all or nothing person. When I decide to learn something - I’ll  spend three days and become a master of it. I’ll watch talks, read books etc. I decided to learn meditation so I went to Thailand on an 11 day silent retreat! It was like a prison. We couldn’t talk to anyone. We had to wear weird, white clothes. We weren’t allowed to make eye contact with anybody else. After five o'clock in the morning we only one had a small cup of broth for the whole day. You were not allowed to have any personal belongings and had to sit in meditation day after day. I started to question my actions - why did I have to go to the other side of the world and lock myself in prison cell because I think there's something wrong with me? This is crazy.

I was going crazy. I’d fall asleep during the day which meant I couldn’t sleep at night so my mind was going all night long. I lost it. I started to get very short of breath. I had a panic attack in my ‘cell’. I went to the monk and said I can't do it. He looked in my eyes and said ‘see you tomorrow’. I got so angry. I went to my room and I cried my eyes out. I was so hungry. My body was exhausted I wanted to give up, but I could hear my voice saying; You have to keep going, you're not a quitter. You told these people you were coming to learn meditation. You cannot leave and not learn to meditate. Another voice started saying - Stop, rest, why you're trying so hard?  Why do you have to put yourself under pressure? It's okay to let go. 

I left the following day having realised it was crazy that I expected to learn to meditate and try to experience a state of happiness in just two weeks when these monks spent 4o years in a forest, meditating. I realised there was no need for this. I am not my voice or my body. We are greater than these bodies and we don’t die when the body dies. I am not the voices in my head. I am just the stillness that lies between. I think that's when I actually learned what meditation was.  

What's your most memorable experience? 

I struggled to have memories of my childhood before my mums passing. She died in my arms in a car crash when I was just 9 years old. She was very entrepreneurial like me. She loved doing things. She was the leader of her pack, loved by her friends. She used to sew and sell things she’d made. I have a Christmas stocking and a pin cushion of hers. Going through the hardship of losing my mother was a defining moment in my life. I refer to it as the moment I woke up to life. I think everything that's been afterwards is the result of that moment. I became quite a thoughtful, profound and serious person after that. 

I was a traumatised and psychologically abused by my dad. I had a scar from the glass he cut me with which was a constant reminder. Being in those circumstances taught me that it doesn't matter how shitty things get, I knew I would always be fine. I had a deep understanding there was nothing I could do. If my dad hit me, that’s my body, not me or my thoughts. I knew I’d be fine, even as I went through the physical pain. For me it was about survival.

How do you feel about death? 

I'm looking forward to it. I might not be looking forward to how I die and I hope it's not painful and long but the thought of being dead doesn't concern me at all. I think it's part of the learning process. No ones really knows what happens after we die. So, to me it's like we are given the chance to actually find out for ourselves, and that's exciting, isn't it? The way I see it is simple: if there is no life after death, then it will feel exactly as before I was born and I know what that's like, AND if there is an afterlife then even better!

What brings you down?

Mistrust. When I think I trust somebody and I do the right thing and they don’t, (based on my expectations), then that brings me down. Spending time on someone and the end result isn’t what you were expecting.

I had a soul mate. She left me 3 years ago. It was like a death. She just cut me off with no explanation and I miss her terribly. It was the way it was handled. It was very traumatic for me. I still don't understand it even though in the end she did give me her reasons. It was a similar experience with my mum, an abrupt abandonment. The feeling was the same, an abandonment from a feminine figure, who was the greatest love of my adult life. I wonder if that’s the reason I struggled so much to get over my friends departure? Actually this is interesting, talking out loud, I can make these parallels.

What are your views on faith? 

I am not religious myself, but I do consider there may be something bigger than us out there. Not a conventional figure of God as such but a bigger whole that we are part of. I think that religion as such is methodology or practice that helps people achieve a state of hope, contemplation and calmness. A 'structured way' to help you get to those states of mind which are essential psychological needs. As painting, knitting or going to the gym, the practice of religion can help you reach these mental states of flow or calmness.

I respect people who are religious. I grew up a Catholic. When I was 16 when I submitted an application to become a priest under the Opus Dei structure but thankfully was rejected as I was too young. It happened at the same time that I was starting to realise I was gay and it created conflict in my head. I felt like a sinner, dirty, non deserving of God. Effectively it lead me to think about suicide. I was very conflicted.

Faith is incredibly important, not from a religious perspective, but a conviction that there’s hope. A bright future, that that we are acting for the greater good. I felt lost in my life when I lost my faith. 

What would you like to leave for the next generation?

The thing that jumped out at me was  - lessons learned. This conversation for example, is so great. The next generation is not that far off and I wish they could  listen to some of the advice, reflections and learnings that I've had. I wish I had a loving grandparent or parent who would sit with me to have this sort conversation and tell me things. What I love about what you’re doing is that it is capturing all that in words. I was tempted to say, let me record this. I want to share this afterwards. I day dream of completing a book where I have written all the lessons I’ve learned in life. (I record all my interviews so Ernesto will have it to pass on).

How do you best express yourself?

I love dancing so much. I dance like Michael Jackson. I haven't done it for a long time. I feel completely alive. It's such a great connection.

What do you think about doing this?

I absolutely love it. First of all, I am taking something very powerful away with me. When you shared with me, that you can never assume anything about anyone, having spoken with all these people. Your assumptions and judgments go away. Even with the most ‘boring, uninteresting person’, you’d ever meet, when you take a moment to sit and ask questions, you’d be amazed by what comes up and what makes them tick. I think I knew that in theory but how often do I do that? What an amazing and powerful thing just to sit down with somebody and ask them a few questions. A great way of deepening the relationship and depth of connection. I can see why these questions create a strong connection. It also allows insights and leanings to emerge - it’s beautiful work. Thank you for inviting me.