I don't really do deep thinking

Darren 48. In a relationship. SEN teaching assistant. Two children. 

How you feeling about the Covid pandemic? 

I just thought it was one of those things that was happening - ‘over there’! Then I went round to my mates house and rang the doorbell. He said, ‘you coming in?’. I was like ‘No Way’. I was anxious about that. When we were in lockdown I’d go out for my daily one hour walk, then there was the ‘exciting’ trip to the supermarket. I remember wanting the queue to be as long as possible so I could be out for as long as possible. I’d come home, shut the door - then what do you do? It was boring. Everyday was like groundhog day. Then idea of going back to work made me feel uncomfortable too. I rang my boss and told her I wasn’t getting on the train. I didn’t want anyone sitting next to me. Apart from that it’s been alright.

How do you see yourself? 

Kind and helpful. I still need to work on my confidence. I had an appraisal from work the other day, she said I’m doing really well. That gave me a boost.

How do you think other people see you? 

As a nice person, unless you’re one of my friends. They tend to think I’m selfish and spoiled. Are you spoilt? When I was a kid, my mum would say - ‘don’t worry, your sisters can do that’. They did everything for me. I couldn’t even make pasta. I was a bit rude. It’s embarrassing. Before she died, she'd tell everybody - ‘look after Darren’.

What do you like about yourself?

That's a hard question. I like that I like to help people, especially children, it's who I am. I always treat people's kids as I want them to treat my own kids. I've always liked children. I'm patient. I like that I can go right across the board, 20 years in primary schools and transition into secondary schools, that’s a skill in itself. Secondary school can be intimidating. Kids can be weird, I like helping them. 

What do you think about marriage?

I was with my ex partner for many years. I don’t know why I never asked her to marry me. It never entered my mind to think about getting married. Now I like the thought of marriage, but only to be selfish. I’d like to be that special person for one day and get lots of presents. Purely for the day.

Where does all your energy go? 

My energy goes into making sure I don’t get too anxious. If you were having a party and I was invited, my face would look like thunder when I turned up. It’s because I’m anxious. I cant cope. I hate going into places where there are too many people. I get overwhelmed but once I’ve calmed down I’m fine. It might come across like I’m angry or being rude. I don’t like crowds at the best of times, I get a bit hyper. I don’t like drawing attention to myself. I don’t want that attention anywhere near me.

What are your dreams? 

My dream was to play professional football and to be fair, I did play professional football. Then I got released. It was just about playing, and if it happens, it happens. I was playing at a level where I was asked to go up to Middlesborough to play against Oldham. They said they’d sign me after that game. I should have gone but they told me I had to stay in digs. I didn’t know what digs were. That freaked me out. I made a choice not to go. If I’d have gone I would have been signed. A week later David Webb signed me to Brentford for £20,000 which was quite nice, but it didn't really work out. I was 21. I was there for two years. I don’t think the fans liked me that much. I lost my confidence. I was afraid of making mistakes. I didn't have any guidance. My mum and dad didn’t know anything about football.

One thing that upsets me is I had hundreds of football programmes. I chucked them all out. My kids could have looked back at my career. They don’t know much about it. Time again, I'd say my dream was to be a professional footballer with a bit more focus. I was a lot more disciplined and focused before I became pro. I should have seen it as a stepping stone, not that I’d already ‘made it’. I didn't work out. The funny thing now is - I tell the kids, be brave, be positive. Do not dwell on mistakes. I can say that from my own experiences. I don't tell people I played professionally. I don’t even tell the kids that I coach.

What's your most memorable experience? 

When I played for Farnborough against Arsenal at Highbury in the FA cup draw in 2003. We went to La Manga - the first non league team to train there. Sol Campbell and Dennis Bergkamp were on the pitch. We lost 5-1. It was a good day out. There was a streaker that day. He got 3 months inside for that! 

Who or what inspires you?

Nobody does. I admire people but they don’t inspire me. Is that a bad thing to say? I try to inspire myself. Brian Robson used to inspire me back in the day. I was always ‘Brian Robson’ when I played with my mates, or Gary Bailey. (laughing) Maradona, on the pitch was incredible and Christiana Rinaldo. The fact they keep going. They're always willing to learn. This is what I try to teach young kids. They think they don't have to listen. I’m like - how do you think Messi and Rinaldo are like they are? Because they go to training. They work hard for it. It doesn't just happen. I admire their resilience and work ethic. Kids say to me - why isn't it happening for me? Because you’re not bloody working hard. Take Federer for example. You think it just happened for him? No, he's out there on the training courts every day, working on his back hand. The young players coming up, can't get close. It a mindset. To be the best you cannot sit back and rest.

The top sports people keep their family really close and I think that's what helps them. If I was playing tennis at Wimbledon and my family's all the way back in Serbia, or somewhere, then that's where my mind is going to be. But if my family's with me, I've got everything here. There’s no distractions. My focus would be on the job working hard because you can't afford for someone else to get ahead of you.

What do think about the weather? 

I thought because I was black I didn’t need sun cream. I’ve burnt my forhead in all this sunshine. I’m never gonna complain about the heat again. It’s too hot.

When it gets overcast and the wind starts, the kids go wild. There is something in their mindset. They go bonkers. Then when it starts to rain, they start screaming and running around like crazy. There’s a name for it, but I can’t remember (laughing).

What do you think about life? 

I just think life is what it is. It's not something I think about. It’s a bit too deep for me. I don't really do deep thinking. Maybe it’s because of my short concentration span. I zone out. 

What do you think of death? 

I’ve never thought about it. Nobody does when they're young. But I’m closer to it now. Sometimes I think about death. I wonder how I would be as a 70 year old man, would I even want to be 70? I don't want to be old. I just don't want to think about it. Selfishly, I want to know how many people would turn up to my funeral. 

What do you think about faith? 

I'd say a lot of times people with faith use it for the wrong reasons.That's what I’ve seen. I’ve worked in a church schools for years. People use the church and their faith and not always for the greater good. Religious people can be quick to condemn others. That's what annoys me about faith. Some people who go to church think they're better than others. I don't think so. Some of the meanest people I've ever met are people who go to church. I’m not even lying. They believed they’re on their own pedestal. They are the first people to gossip and talk about others behind their backs. I’ve never met a christian like my old boss. She was the worst example of a christian. I have faith in people, faith in myself and my children. I don’t have much faith in Man United anymore, they’ve upset me too much.

What brings you down?

Myself sometimes. When I try to move forward in life, the self doubt creeps in. It’s the fear of rejection and not believing in myself. I shouldn't really worry what other people think, but I do. I think it's to do with people not being happy with me. I worry about making mistakes yet I always tell the kids at school not be scared to make mistakes.

What would you like to leave the next generation? 

I'd leave them the sort of times that I had growing up because I don't think they've had the same freedom that we did. They have a lot more stuff than we did in terms of electronics and gadgets but I don't think they've got as much in terms of knowledge and freedom. We would go out 10 in the morning and had to be home for dinner, at 6pm. That was it. Out all day. I’d want to leave them that. 

A lot of kids are jealous nowadays because other kids have a lot of stuff and they want it. They use knives. They may not want to do, but there’s peer pressure which makes them do it. It’s sad. My boys have been robbed a few times. I’d like to leave a world where teenage boys don't look at you in a strange way. Where kids can go out without getting their phones nicked. For them to be able to go out on their bikes and know they’d come home on their bike and not to always having to be on their guard. How many boys are hanging out looking menacing? I’m like, what are you looking at? You can't change them.

I said to my friend, what is wrong with these kids? I was in JD sports one time, there was a group of boys walking around. One had a spliff hanging out of his mouth. I'm like, why oh why? So you smoke weed, you do not need to walk around with it in your mouth. You're not allowed to smoke indoors. Have you forgotten? Is it stupidness. And that Block party in Brixton the other week! We’ve got the whole Black Lives Matter stuff going on? Why would you smash the windscreen with a sword and beat a policeman? What are you doing? What are you achieving? There’s no common sense, people are thick. That what really annoys me. Did you grow up with a lot of racism? No, not really. There were odd places you couldn't go to but I was too young to even think about it. We just went outside and played.

What do you think about doing this? 

It’s been fun. It’s been a pleasure. It’s been brilliant. Some things I've said, I should do more of. I’ve enjoyed it.