The first few weeks I couldn’t stop crying

Patrick 52, from St Annes. Married with two grown up children. Director of a packaging company. Recovering from a recent stroke. 

How are you?

If you'd asked me on the 22nd of August I’d have said I’d never felt better. I don't want to bore you with all my ailments but on the 23rd of August I had a stroke, totally out of the blue. Fortunately it happened in the morning, I collapsed in the bathroom. If that had happened at the night my brain would have been severely affected.

I am on sick leave at the minute. I can't drive but I work from home anyway. I'm absolutely fine. I feel very fortunate, even before my stroke. We were in a good place. We live in a nice house. Our kids are healthy and happy. My wife and I are good mates. We have a good life. What could be better? 

How do you see yourself? 

I don’t think I could be described as optimistic. I’m fairly cautious - a little conventional if anything. I’m not a party animal. I’m a quiet bloke really. I'm perfectly comfortable in my own company. I like reading and gardening so, I'm really middle-aged! Do you like you? Yes. I’m very content with life, not necessarily with what I've achieved. I don't feel I’ve achieved very much in life. Is that important? Not really. I never really wanted to. My life is comfortable. I’m not rich by any stretch of the imagination nor are we scrimping and saving to put food on the table either. 

What do you think about marriage?

I wanted to have kids. I wouldn't have been concerned about getting married though. When my wife and I got together I needed to make stronger commitment to her than anybody else in the past. Marriage is a significant commitment to a lasting relationship. I’m glad I am married. I got married in 1997. It's not the institution of marriage, it’s the person that's worth fighting for. 

Most of the people we socialise with are like us. Married for 20 years or more, which is quite strange as our parents generation, I think, flipped it around a bit more than we'd perhaps appreciate. Lots of divorces. I’m not gonna do that. A lot of people have a family affected by divorce. It’s a seismic event. I didn't feel that from my parents. I knew it would happen, they just weren't compatible. It was a bit of a shock at the time, but once you get over, you get used to the new normal. My dad lived in one house, my mum in another. 

What do you think about children? 

The birth of our first child was the most traumatic experience I think I've been through, although I think it was a bit more traumatic for my wife! People say, isn't it great, being there at the birth of your child? Bloody hell no! He was born by emergency section. He had a very, very, very big head, it was all a bit messy. I’m glad I’m a bloke. It was horrendous but worth it in the end. And how were you as a parent? I could have been more present. I neglected things at the weekends. I was on the football or cricket pitch whilst my wife was at home with two kids. Did you feel guilty about that? Not all the time. On reflection I should have been a little less committed to cricket and football and a lot more committed at home. For example, My wife learned I was going to be the second team captain at the local cricket club from the newspaper. I was getting round to telling her, the paper just beat me to it!

What makes you tick?

I think it sounds really trite but I really like socializing. Not necessarily drinking but just spending time with my friends, I really enjoy it. They all have different perspectives and different backgrounds. As a family we particularly like going to watch the Clarets (Burnley football club) play home and away where possible. If there’s nothing in the diary at the weekend I get a bit disappointed. We're pretty social people. Even though I like my work I'm not excited by it. 

When I was a kid I wanted to be a footballer. I didn't think it was that fanciful at the time because I wasn’t a bad player but I swiftly got rid of that notion. I never really knew what I wanted to do. I've stumbled into things as I think most people do.

Who or what inspires you?

It's all a bit teenage boyish, but I'm still inspired by a great sports men. I get uplifted when I’m watching the cricket and Ben Stokes wins the World Cup tour. It’s not necessarily the individuals, but the achievements. I'm gobsmacked by how good they are. 

I’m also inspired by figures in public life who say and do inspirational things. I’ve always been obsessed with Neil Kinnock and how he took on the militant tendency in 1985-6. Inspired is exactly the right word, he made me think and act in ways which I might not otherwise have done. When I watched his speech in Brighton in ’85, that's what made me study my subjects at university: History and politics. I think politics is fascinating.

What do you think about the weather?

When you get to this time of the year and the clocks go back, it can be quite depressing because you've got November, December, January, February ahead of you. Where we live it blows a gale and rains a lot. It really is quite miserable. There's not much going for it. I love Spring. I think March/April is the best time of the year. You've got the whole summer ahead of you. I’m beginning to understand how things change in the garden. I'm starting to appreciate the garden more. I like the height of the summer, the long nights. Sitting outside having a glass of wine, watching the cricket.

What do you think about life?

I think it's about family and friendship. Not everybody can have a family of course but it's about friendship. I think it’s about supporting one another and helping each other to get through life's different challenges.

What do you think about death? 

It doesn't particularly frighten me but what does is being trapped in my body with something like MND, (Motor Neurones Disease) but death itself, it’s just one of those things that happens. I could imagine dying would be pretty frightening if you didn’t have a support network for those you leave behind. Burn my body and get to the bar. 

What do you think about faith? 

Do you have faith? No I don't. I think it's a load of mumbo jumbo, it's been a way for influential people to order society. I think most people have pretty good intentions, I don't think there are that many evil people in the world. Most people will help someone struggling where they can. I’ve got faith in the human spirit.

What would you like to leave for the next generation? 

I’d get rid of private education; Grammar schools. Religious school. Everybody’s school should be the same. Funded in the same way. Everybody should have the same opportunities.

How do you best express yourself?

I've just been in hospital for two months. I’ve been keeping in touch with everybody by text. I didn't realize but people have been saying I use big words. What like? Vituperative. What does that mean? It means ranting a lot, being a bit sweary. My brother's pretty much the same. We are both pretty verbose. We elongate words rather than shorten them. So you don't text ‘c u tomorrow, lol’, No, I  text - ‘I bid you a good afternoon’. (laughing)

I like writing. Recently I’ve thought about writing some poetry about having the stroke. I was wondering what the best medium for it would be and I think a poem is probably the easiest way to convey all the shock, fear and hope. I think writing about it will help me through the experience. I’ve always liked poetry at school and university. I felt as though poetry makes you think about the written word rather more than prose does because each word has a value. Each clause has an impact. Are you scared about sharing your poetry? I'm not scared. I'm quite comfortable. I'll give it a go. Who’s your favourite poet? Shakespeare. I think poetry is becoming a lot more mainstream and I think it's the younger generation who's helping that.

Was it quite a reflective time in hospital? The first few weeks I couldn’t stop crying. I used to FaceTime my wife as we couldn't have visitors due to Covid. I was on my own. I was highly emotional. Was the stroke typical as in it was all down one side? Yes, and because you're on the stroke ward you see other people who are in more advanced stages of recovery, but also people who will never get to your stage of recovery. I started to become more reflective, it could have been a hell of a lot worse and I'm actually really, quite lucky.

What have you taken from doing this today?

It’s been good fun. I don't know if I've come across as being bloody obsessed with having had a stroke but it’s such a seismic thing to have happen and not just to me. A friend of ours said it's a wake up call. What would you change though? Nothing. I have a hole in my heart, I think that’s why I had the stroke. The experience certainly makes you reflect on where you are in life and what you’re going to do with the rest of it. It makes me think about all those faded bits and what you value. Previously I was chugging along. Going to work, coming home, having a few drinks at the weekend, going on holiday. Life compresses into a relatively small orbit. This process has allowed me to stop and think a little bit more and if nothing anything else, there’s a poem going to come out of this.