I'm not very good at asking for help

Kya, 19 from Brighton. About to start university after working in youth services.

How are you?

I've definitely been better, I'm not going to lie. I have an existing health condition I've had since I was about 16. It flares up every now and then. I’ve also been experiencing a lot of depression and anxiety. I’m taking it really slowly at the moment. 

I've been on medication for anxiety, depression and a little bit of psychosis on and off since I was young. I’ve had various services involved along so I feel well versed on the subject but this time I feel more engulfed by it. It's taken everything out of my control. I'm not very good at asking for help. It’s a bit of a shock not to be in control anymore. What are you views on mental health, there seems to be so many people, especially young people suffering?

I think once there's a light shone on certain topics people have more knowledge and understanding. The way narratives are pushed around create public attention. I think it's the same with the mental health agenda. I don't think levels of depression, anxiety and psychosis have changed much in the last hundred years or so. I imagine people have experienced depression and anxiety since the beginning of time but just didn't know how to articulate what those feelings meant. As a world I feel we're more emotionally literate. 

Suicide is the second biggest killer in the world for 15 - 25 year olds and is the biggest killer in men under 45 in the UK. There are societal stereotypes and expectations of men in terms of what you can and can’t share, and that impacts on your masculinity. It affects people's understanding of their own emotional wellbeing. It's changing I suppose, but it's hard to know when things actually change or are just rebranded. 

How do you see yourself? Do you like you? 

No, but it feels weird saying that. I think have ingrained ideas about myself. I’m definitely a curious, caring and understanding person. I think I’m a good listener. 

How do you think other people see you? 

I get some really good feedback from people I work with and from those I’m close to. I think there are definitely good bits which feels nice. I’ve been told I’m inspiring. What made you get into your job? I grew up around people from loads of different backgrounds. People who grew up in care for example. The lack of support structures and seeing how prejudices impact on people’s lives. So many things I saw linked together. It didn’t make sense. It all sparked my curiosity. I want to work in Youth Justice. There's so many people who have not been listened to who have quite incredible things to say. Did you know that 1% of young people who go into the care system each year make up nearly 30% of the adult prison population? And, 75% of the UK adult prison population, have been expelled from school?

I’m going to Uni to study Politics and International Relations. I've always been interested in how and why people behave the way they do. I feel that politics is a way to explore how decisions impact society. It’s come about by my frustrations from my work. I don't feel competent enough to articulate myself on certain issues. I don't have enough knowledge to form an opinion and feel accomplished in that space. I need to go away for a few years to focus in on what I'm passionate about and develop myself, then come back to youth services with a different frame of mind. 

What do you like about yourself? 

My drive and passion for things and my curiosity. I’m caring and thoughtful. I navigate myself through my moral compass which gives me good attributes and drives me forward.

What do you think about marriage? 

I never really thought about it too much to be honest. I think if it's the right person, it's less about marriage and more about the relationship. I would like kids, but marriage is not a necessity for me.

What you think about children?

I love kids. I’ve always wanted to work with kids. I like working with people my kind of age. I wanted to be a teaching assistant for ages. The one I had at school was the one person I connected with. I used to get tremors and anxiety. She clocked it and would come over and sit with me and help me write without making it obvious to other kids in the class. She had a profound impact on the way I viewed school.

Where does all your energy go? 

Work. I like to have stuff to do. I like to feel like I’m achieving things and being productive. I feel guilty if I'm not. I'd hate to sit in bed and do nothing which is why being like I am at the moment is so hard. I always need a purpose, but I put a lot of pressure on myself. I’m not very good at relaxing. 

What are your dreams? What makes you tick? 

My need for purpose drives and pushes me forward. I used to want to be in music. I love live performances. I think music is arguably the best vehicle for messages, narratives and stories. I’d love to be involved in that. I love writing too. Do write poetry? Yes but I would never share it! There’s one guy called ‘George the Poet’ from North West London. He was probably the first person that made me view poetry as rap and understand the importance of it.

What's your most memorable experience? 

I don’t really have any childhood memories. I didn’t have the best relationship with my dad growing up. But there’s this song - ‘Florence’, by Loyle Carner. I remember I’d play it in the car. I wouldn’t normally play music around him because he didn’t like the swearing. I’d get worried that we’d end up arguing. But that song, we would sit in silence in the car and just listen to it. He started learning the words and we’d sing along together. We still didn’t chat about a lot of other stuff but it did start a whole string of conversations. He’d make a playlist and send it to me. I remember it being a big part in creating a better relationship with him.

Who or what inspires you? 

Definitely people more than things. I see inspiration in my parents. They have a lot of drive and commitment and have been through a lot. People I meet on a day-to-day basis. Loyle Carner and George the Poet are huge ones for me. George is probably the person that I most engage with and get the most from. There's a guy from South London called Dave, he’s a rapper. He's so sick. The people I meet, the conversations with the kids I work with. It could be the bus driver or the bossman in the corner shop. Random interactions with random people inspire me. 

How do you feel about the weather? 

I’m quite comfortable with the weather. There’s definitely an element of pathetic fallacy when the SAD (seasonal affective disorder) comes around at this time of year. I actually really like the rain. I like watching the rain. I can see the sea from my balcony. I find it calming. I like wrapping up and feeling cosy when it’s cold. I don’t like the wind, it hits you from all angles. I cant lie, it’s jarring and stressful.

What do you think about life? 

I think life is all about opinions and stories. I’ve just started my university course and I’m learning about states, societies and the importance of farming. How we have shifted from being hunter-gatherers to farmers, and how that created the idea of ownership of people, land and borders, which allowed people to separate themselves and create class divides and hierarchy. It all came from ownership and accumulation of wealth.

The concept of marriage and all of those things developed from stories and opinions. A group of people who came together and made some plans. They didn’t necessarily think how it would impact our futures. If you invented the plough for example, you wouldn’t logically think it could create sexism. The knock-on effects of all these stories has created lots of social issues. All change is socially constructed. We navigate life by telling our story and listening to other people's stories. We develop our opinions off the back of that. I think it's as simple as that.

I love hearing stories. I chat to people at the market or from the local church about their opinions. My own family has a mix of Zoroastrianism, Christianity and Islam. People from different backgrounds with different stories. I've heard so many different stories and opinions and I think they’re all right. We can learn a lot from what people tell us. 

What do you think about death? 

I'm not really scared of it. I think it’s about what you believe. I have spoken to a lot of people about death. To some people it’s just another beginning and to others it’s an abrupt ending. It’s an odd, beautiful, natural process. Nobody, to the best of my knowledge knows what happens after that.

What do you think about faith? 

I think faith so important. I see that with my friends who are either religious or have religious connections but don't necessarily believe in God. They use their place of worship as somewhere to connect with people. That in itself is quite beautiful. It gives you a sense of responsibility, motivation and faith, whether that’s in God, or in people. I envy that in a way. That connected community feeling that can give people drive is important. I think we’re all inherently tribal.

What brings you down? 

Things I can't control. I’m a bit of a control freak. I like to feel like I've got everything sorted. I like to have everything regimented and in order, maybe a little more than the next person. When I notice things starting to slip and get out of my control, it scatters my brain. I feel lost, I don’t know what to do. 

What would you like to leave the next generation? 

I'm really interested in what were like as hunter-gatherers. If I had a magic wand, I’d start the world all over again. It would be a cool exploration to have. I think we could make such a difference if we redistributed money, resources and focussed more on equity rather than equality. I think everybody should have the same opportunities. Being able to redistribute everything and allow people to start at the same point in the race would be the end goal. 

How do you best express yourself?

Speaking and writing. I think language and words are the most important things in the whole world. How you communicate is how you develop ideas and opinions. Taking pictures. I love photography. I've dabbled in it. You can communicate so much through a picture. My favourite photographer is this guy called ‘Boogie’. He did a shoot around the world taking pictures of people that experienced addiction. Mums with a needle in their arm holding their babies. It’s very raw. I’d like to get back into photography.

What do you think about doing this? 

I had no idea what to expect. I don't put myself in many positions where I'm vulnerable to somebody that I've not had an existing long relationship with, and who is going to potentially share some personal information about me to people I've never met. That in itself is quite odd to me. I would never usually do that type of thing. The process has been quite nice to just chat. I love having conversations with people and hearing different viewpoints. I really enjoyed it. I really liked the questions. They were definitely thought provoking.